


Sooner Or Later

by butimbroken



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 10:24:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3116582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimbroken/pseuds/butimbroken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy/Angel. Angel is today's hottest star, Buffy's the girl he fell in love with... despite having been married at the time. He divorced, but Buffy ended up leaving him as his fame and out of control lifestyle got to be too much for her to deal with. Mature. AU. COMPLETE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**_You Know I Never Wanted To Leave You This Way_ **

It only took Buffy one quick glance up at the small screen behind her to know that this was definitely an 'off' night for him. At least, for her it was easy to tell. To the two small girls standing before her along with their mother though, that was a bit of a different story. They didn't see him, their idol, as a drunk, miserable, stumbling mess. They didn't see him as a sad, pitiful image as he tried to make his way up the stage. To them, he wasn't a drunken fool, high off of whatever drug or drugs he'd gotten his hands on today. No, no... to them, he was without a doubt a symbol of perfection. He was the man of their childhood dreams, their handsome and dreamy celebrity crush. And boy, did it every shine just as clear as day as they stood there watching the television screen, eyes glued, purely mesmerized. The girls giggled with goofy grins on their face, exchanging whispers as they watched him attempt to get through an acceptance speech for the award he'd just been handed.

Buffy, in some part of her, wanted to knock those looks off the poor girls faces. Apparently, this was an 'off' night of her own. Sometimes the pain inside her own self wanted to lash out and grow onto others. But, taking a deep breath, Buffy did her best to ignore the commotion going on behind her, ignore the girls, and just concentrate on the task before her.

But, of course, he had to go and do that... 

"Buffy," his voice rang out, sounding just as pitiful as he looked. "Buffy... Baby... I miss you. I miss you so...so much. I'm sorry, so sorry... so... so sorry... Please... come back. Buffy, I need you..."

Even with knowing better, she stole another glance over her shoulder, just in time to see the handy-work of the television crew as they cut to Cordelia Chase's face. The women of his lovelife sighed. Cordelia doing her best to recover quickly. Buffy shook her head thinking of how you just had to love the media today. How today's biggest rockstar, one Liam "Angel" Angelus, stands up on stage... along with the rest of his bandmates... publicly crying out for the girl he left his ex wife over, the girl who ended up leaving him after, and they just cannot wait to capture the actress' reaction. All so everyone has yet another thing to discuss and write about tomorrow.

Buffy quickly looked back away from the image of the woman she "stole" Angel away from and went back to ringing up the woman's items. She tried her best to drone him back out, though heard bits and pieces of what he continued to cry out. That followed by what sounded like a small scuffle as one of the guys tried to pull him away. Also, the unmistakable noise of the award he'd been given moments ago crashing down to the ground... after having chucked it toward someone.

Yeah. This was one of those nights.

"Aww," one of the girls moaned. "Look at him, he's so sad! I miss Buffy, I wish she'd come back."

"Me too!" the other girl replied, nodding her head.

Buffy swallowed, pausing for just a moment before ringing up the next few items from the woman's cart. Again finding herself thankful for the steps she'd taken to conceal her identity since taking off from the public eye.

"I wonder where she ran off to."

"And why!"

Buffy stilled as the more talkative of the two gave her a closer look. "They were such the perfect couple, you know." She smiled, turning her attention back to the younger of the two. "Happy, and so in love," she said in a dreamy voice."

"Yeah."

"Even if I wish Angel was mine," she said with a laugh, "They two of them..."

"Yeah," the other chimed in again, in her own dreamy sigh.

"And god, she was sooo much better than Cordelia."

"Oh yeah! Much better!"

Buffy said a silent prayer as she finished up the last bag and put it in the cart. "Thank you ma'am, here is your total..."

The woman let the girls run off to the quarter machines at the front of the store while she paid. Buffy also said a silent prayer of thanks for that one too. And with a smile, Buffy began handing the woman's change back to her.

After putting the money away, the woman put both hands on the cart but instead of moving away she looked her cashier over for a moment. "You're her, aren't you?" she finally asked.

Buffy found herself frozen again. Not a single person had put two and two together since she'd come here. She felt fear gripping at her.

Yeah, she was her alright. Buffy Summers, the love of Liam Angelus' life, America's latest sweetheart. Her blonde locks had been dyed black, cut differently, contacts slightly colored in her eyes. She had lost a goodamount of weight she hadn't needed to, become paler without all that sunshine weather. She stood in a bland outfit compared to all the high end outfits the world had been used to seeing her in. She was out ofthe public eye here, standing behind a dirty counter, wearing a nametag reading "Elizabeth." But she was her alright.

Here she was away from anything she'd ever known. From growing up just the sweet girl next door type to being on the cover of magazines... But yeah, she was still Buffy Summers.

Seeing the pure terror on the girl's face, the woman smiled softly. "I won't say a word," she promised.

OoOoO

Sighing, Buffy slid her key into the door... and after a few tries she managed to enter the apartment with a groan.

She was tired, emotionally drained, and still stressed over being recognized earlier at work. She hurried her jacket off and tossed it to the side uncaring of where it landed then did the same with her shoes and began heading for the kitchen. A smiling face turned around to stop her in her tracks though.

"Damn B, you've taken over the news tonight," her roommate commented, throwing a handful of popcorn in her mouth with a laugh. "All I've heard about!"

Buffy groaned again. "How bad is it?"

Faith laughed again and crooked a finger at her.

She hesitated for a moment then went towards her, the television coming into focus for her more with every step. They were showing 'highlights' of the awards show from earlier, letting Angel's speech take up almost the whole montage, and then as she sat down it pulled out to them commentating. "God," she groaned some more.

"Oh, it gets better," Faith promised and flipped the channel, laughing some more.

And sure enough, station after station had Angel's speech on. There were pictures and short video clips of her shown on them as well, asking just where had she gone, there was even a commercial advertising a whole special that was to be dedicated to asking just that on tomorrow's show. Everyone tried to supply their takes, spoke of the many different rumors floating about, asked their questions, talked about her and her relationship with Angelus' lead singer...

"Just great."

It wasn't as though this was anything new. Every since she 'disappeared' this had been going on. It just tended to flare up whenever he lost his shit like he had earlier.

"It could be worse," Faith said with a shrug.

Buffy glared and pushed herself back off of the couch with some effort. "How could this get worse?"

Faith was silent for a moment. "They could get their answer."

Well okay, that was true.

OoOoO

"Let me ask you this, could you ever imagine you and Angel getting back together?"

Cordelia laughed and shook her hair, her perfectly curled hair bouncing with the movement. "No, that... I just cannot picture every happening." She paused for a moment and her laughter turned into a soft smile. "And that is more than okay, too. Very much for the best, for everyone."

"Oh, why not?" the interviewer half joked.

She was silent again for a brief moment before, "Angel and I were okay together, but we were never great. We were just not meant to be, that's all."

The woman seated on the other side tilted her head. "Because of Buffy?"

Cordy did a head tilt of her own. "No," she answered. "For a long time there I wanted to say that was all it was, to blame it all on her...but honestly, there was so much going on between us... a lot of bad there with he and I. And just about everything was there long before Buffy had come into the picture. I will say though, that a lot of it did become... let's say: clearer... once she had come around though."

The big-haired blonde nodded. "So you do not harbor any... ill... feelings toward Miss Summers?"

"No," Cordelia replied, "I really don't. Not toward either of them to be honest."

"Did you love him?"

Cordelia looked down. "You know, I did. I really did." She brought her face up again. "But in my own way, and never like I should have, or how I wanted to perhaps."

"Do you think he loved you?"

"In a way. I think we both loved one another in out own way."

The woman leaned closer to the actress. "Do you still love him?"

"Angel will always hold a place in my heart, yes."

The interviewer leaned back into her chair. "What about them? Were they in love?"

"Them? Him and Buffy?"

The other woman nodded.

Cordelia laughed. "You would have had to been blind or a fool not to have that. Those two were in love. Gosh, those two? It was like..." Cordy waved her hands a bit, "Buffy would walk into the room and his eyes would just... light up, you know? Like a kid at Christmas. Every single time, it'd just ignite something inside of him. And anytime when she wasn't around, Angel would just be in such a mood, so down and depressed. Almost as if a part of him was missing. But put her near him and he was whole again."

The blonde smiled. "And it was the same for her?"

"Oh, God, yes," Cordy laughed again, "Although she was much better at trying to hide it than he ever was."

"This may come off as quiet personal... But when was it... when did you begin to notice that your husband had begun to have these... feelings... for this other woman?"

Cordelia looked out of the corner of her eye for a moment, gave it a bit of thought. "You know, I'm not really sure," she finally replied. "If you are asking me whether or not there were some key moment where it all just came to me, hit me all of a sudden, then the answer is no. At least, that's not how I remember it looking back now. I can't say I recall a time I can pinpoint an exact moment where I went 'Oh, my god, he is love with her,' or anything like that. But it didn't take long, I knew pretty earlier on, and I stated earlier... he didn't exactly hide it very well."

"And how did that feel?"

Cordelia suppressed the need to roll her eyes and instead she dramatically threw her hand up to her well-endowed chest. "Well, of course, it hurt. I was very angry, very upset. I was hurt, even embarrassed by it all."

"I can imagine," the reported replied and Cordelia held back another eye roll. She highly doubted that she could. "Did you bring it up with him, with Angel? Did you tell him how you felt, what your concerns were? Did you ever stop to ask him what exactly it was going on between him and Buffy?"

Cordelia nodded. "I did. Many times in fact. And, there at first, Angel would deny any and everything. Even if his actions and the way he would look, even the tone of his voice, spoke otherwise. On some things I would bring up Angel would adamantly deny it. Such as... if I would ask him about whether or not the two of them were having more... 'intimate relations', Angel would deny and deny until he was blue in the face. Then, as far as other things, he might just casually laugh it off or say 'of course not' or something of the sort to try and brush it all off. As time passed however, the answers began to change. And yes, he seemed so solemn, guilt rudden."

"He would then admit to a relationship with her?"

Cordy's eyes widened a bit. "No," she answered, shaking her head, "He would say that he was horribly confused. He admitted to being in love with her, wanting to be with her. He would follow it all up with apologies and how he never meant for anything like this to happen. He had always sworn nothing serious had happened yet... but that there was such a large part of him, an overwhelming amount inside, that wished something were. He would tell me he was afraid to hurt me, afraid to leave, but he would say he wanted to."

The woman paused, thinking over where to go from that group of information. "Why didn't you leave?" she finally asked.

Cordy sighed. "I... I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose him."

"You wanted her gone?"

"I did."

"You were willing to fight for him?"

"Yes. And I did, I tried... for longer than I should have. So yes, I tried to fight and hold on. For awhile anyway."

Leaving that be for right now, "He would tell you that nothing was going on between Buffy and him?"

"Yes."

"Buffy has said the same thing, many times over. Even after the two of you had announced your divorce and she stood by it all even after she and Angel went public. She still denied that they had been more of a couple during the marriage. She's denied having been... more or less dating him... She has publicly denied time and time again to having a sexual relationship with Angel during the course of his marriage to you. They've both denied sneaking behind your back and doing... well, whatever," she said with a hint of a laugh.

Cordelia nodded. "There was obviously something going on, but I believe them about that."

"You cannot be serious!"

She laughed. "I know, I know. It's pretty..."

"Right," the woman provided with a pointed look her way.

"But... I know what kind of a man Angel is, deep down. And he's better than that. And I even believe Buffy Summers is higher than that as well. I do not believe that they were contantly 'sneaking behind my back' and having an affair in the popularized sense. But, with that said, I do know they did have sex," she told her, then added, "Once."

The blonde raised her eyebrows and gave a bit of a shocked looked. She had to take a few before saying anything. "You do believe they had sex... while you two were technically still 'together'?"

"Once," she repeated.

The woman laughed. "I don't mean to be offensive or anything Ms. Chase..."

Cordy cut her off. "I know... I get it, but that's what I do believe. Like I have said, Angel may have a lot of issues, may have gone wrong in mine and his marriage, but he's a good good. He's not like that. And even if he were, it's safe to say Buffy Summers is not that type of girl. She was never out to get me, wasn't trying to go out of her way to create a wedge between us to take him away. More than once Buffy had even come to talk to to me, apologizing her own self right off the bat before sitting down to tell me things. To tell me of when she were alone with Angel he would express his feelings and wants towards her, saying how he loved her. Buffy had told me of them having kissed and apolgized to the moon and back over it. Buffy explained it was getting caught up in a moment and then as soon as her senses came back to her, she had pushed him off, reminding them both that she wasn't that girl and how he was married, amd wasn't going to mess anything up for mine and his relationship. She explained to me that she told him he needed to just leave her be and go back to his wife, to me. She apologized some more and even offered to leave," Cordy shook her head, "And I told her I thought that would be best," her eyes flicked up, "God, later that night though... he found out she was gone... and even later on he found out that I was to blame. And did he ever lose it. He practically went flying out the door to go chase her down and he brought her back. Every time she tried to leave, he'd go running off to find her."

"That doesn't mean..."

The actress sighed and butted in again. "Earlier on, I told you that there wasn't a moment when I just suddenly realized he'd fallen in love with her, right? Well, that is true. But there is an exact moment when I realized that was it." She sighed again. "I had been doing some night shoots for a few days. In a tank, with some really cold water once you've been in it for hours on end. And I ended up getting sick. I managed, somehow, to make it to the end of the last shoot but when I got home, I just headed straight to bed and did not want to leave for a week. Unfortunately, I only made it a few days. One evening... there was someone at the door going crazy, they just would not leave. We only had a few maids and other workers around the house and I'd sent them home once I'd gotten there, not wanting to get them sick as well, so I was alone with the racket. Realizing whoever it was, they weren't going away, I grumbled and grouched, pulling myself up from the bed and throwing on a robe. I sincerely hoped it wasn't the press," she laughed."I really did not want to be seen at anything less than my usual best of course! But I forced myself to the door no matter. And there, on the other side, stood a haggard looking blonde who was crying and hurried to push her way into the house before I could even blink. I grumbled some more and peeked my head out of the door as little as possible, not seeing any camera crews, paps or well anyone so I closed the door and went into the other room where Buffy has run off to. I leaned in the doorway and looked at her, sitting on the couch, still crying her poor little heart out. I sighed and rolled my eyes, of course," she laughed again, " then walked a few more feet into the room and asked her what she was doing here. She tended to stay away from our home, and more imporantly, she was supposed to be in New York at the time with the band and everyone." Cordy waved one hand around, "Then came some more waterworks. Finally, between a lot of tears and a lot of apologizes, she told me that they, she and Angel, had has sex."

"Oh, my!"

Cordelia nodded. 'Yeah, 'Oh, my,' indeed.' "I stood there- shocked- for God knows how long, then finally I made my way to a chair and sat down. At that point, I was still rather angry and bitter towards her and in the back of my mind I guess I always figured what the rest of the world did... that they'd been doing that for some time now and were both just trying to hide it. But I guess with her flying cross country, coming to our home and flat out telling me while looking like she did... my mind instantly changed. And I fully believed that before then, she'd never let anything happen. And now that she had, my God, she was just... pitiful as can be." Cordy shifted in her seat some. "She kept telling me how sorry she was and that she never meant for any of this to happen. She told me that it was excuse, but she just didn't know what happened. That one minute they were at an after party, dancing and having a good time, then the next thing she knew she was in bed with him. She told me that she knew it was wrong and she tried to stop it but... it happened. They were two young adults in love and fighting it for so long, you know. One night, I guess it just got to be too much. And they stopped fighting."

"Did Buffy tell you exactly what transpired?"

"She left out a lot of the details, thankfully, but yes, she told me."

"And what happened next? What did you do?"

She sighed, thinking back. "Really, I think I pretty much remained shocked and silent, my head spinning. She nervously rambled on. 'Sorry' came out every fifth word, but I remember she told me that when she woke up, she freaked out and ran out of there as fast as she could. She'd wanted to just really run away, like disappear, but she felt so guilty about it that she ended up coming to me, to let me know first hand and in person. Even if she knew how much it would hurt me and hurt her as well, she thought it was the right thing to do. At least, as 'right' as anything could be in this whole situation. God, she told me she was sorry, she even asked me to just blame everything on her, not to be mad at Angel and all but begged for me to make sure Angel and I worked things out. She tried to explain me to me that yes, we could get passed this bump in the road, get passed all of this. She swore she'd leave and stay gone for good, that she wouldn't let him talk her into coming back, she'd leave and wouldn't even let him be able to find her. That she'd so anything possible to make sure she just fell off the side of the world."

"Like she obviously has now?"

"Exactly," she agreed. "But back then... she didn't get the chance. After a lot of talk, she seemed ready to hit the road, but before she could... he came bounding in. He didn't look all too well himself I must say. He hadn't been told she was coming to see me of course so he was shocked for a moment when he saw her, but then instead of burning a hole through me like he had before noticing her, he began to burn one through her. 'What the hell, let's say 'bleep', Buffy?' he yelled, throwing a piece of paper widly in the air. I would later read it... a Dear John letter. She was leaving him. Leaving everything. His voice softened though as the crumped sheet hit the ground and he took a few steps toward her. 'Buffy, you can't do this to me,' he told her, his voice cracking, 'Please,' he begged and the two got swallowed up into their own world. Both of them cried a lot, fought, she tried to tell him she had to go and he told her he refused to let her. I just sat on the sidelines watching, growing numb, everything really starting to sink in. I don't know how long they remained like that, but Angel finally did remember the rest of the world around him. He kissed the top of Buffy's head and whispered something, probably begging her not to move, then asked for me to come speak with him. His voice remained soft and his face ashened. He looked like he had the weight of the world crushing him. I followed, knowing full well what was coming but I have to admit, it still hurt. The man I loved, who I married and wanted my life to be with, he chose someone else. He wanted everything I wanted with him with someone else. And he finally made that choice, me or her, and it wasn't going to be me. It was really ending."

 

OoOoO

 

As the interview cut to commercial, Faith stood up and stretched. She also turned her head to check the door for the thousandth time. Faith really didn't think it would go over to well if Buffy came walking in that door to find her laid out on the couch watching this filth.

It wasn't so much what she was saying, even if she was exposing some rather personal details to lives beyond her own, but more that Ms. Chase had downright refused to so for so long. She'd always seemed to do her best to stay away from the topic of the Cordelia/Angel/Buffy triangle up until this point. But, hey, the craptastic actress did have a new movie to promote and talking about it now, as always, got major press. They had something to bank on.

OoOoO

"What about the drugs? It's become public knowledge, his struggles with alcohol and various drug usage, but how long have you known it to be an issue?"

Cordelia sighed and flipped a strand of hair out of her face. "Awhile."

"While you two were together?" she probed a little more into it.

"Yes."

"Before Buffy?"

"Yes."

"Before you two were married?"

"Yes, though everything started out really small and I guess... things... they just grew to be what it is now."

"But he was using while you two were dating?"

"It happened, only a handful of times, that I know of anyway."

"Did you ask him about it? Ask him to stop?"

"I did," she replied, nodding her head, "And he'd laugh and kiss my forehead and tell me 'Sure thing, babe' and he would... for a little while."

"What would happen when you found out that he had taken back up again?"

"I'd wait until he was more or less clear headed and then I'd bring it up. He'd rattle off some excuse or another," Cordelia shrugged, "Sometimes we would just shrug it off again, he'd say 'no more' and I'd believe him. Other times we'd get into more of a fight over it all."

The reported nodded. "When did you notice things were getting... a little more out of control?"

She sighed. "Wow. It's sort of all a blur really,now... looking back."

"Was it Buffy entering his life that brought it on?"

The brunette shook her head. "No. He was slipping before that. We were having problems before that as I mentioned, he... was having problems. There was already so much going on... a new record, going on tour, his fame skyrocketing even more by the day, and just so much was going on. But... but yeah, whenever Buffy came into the picture things continued to get worse. It wasn't her fault by any means, that's not what I'm saying," she hurried out, "It's just... he had a lot more to deal with and he just didn't know how."

OoOoO

In the distance, Faith heard some AC/DC start to play and jumped up with a groan. She really had to get her ass a new hobby besides sitting on the couch for hours on end anytime that she wasn't working.

She started down the hall, following the noise, not remembering where exactly she was supposed to be looking. She was always losing that damn thing. Finally though, she found it, just in time too. "Hello?" she asked breathelessly.

It ended up being her mother on the other end of the phone... which meant she ended up missing almost all of the rest of the Cordelia interview. Even if she had gone back into the other room earlier and tried to multi task, Faith knew it wouldn't have mattered. Her mother would have dominated everything around as she always did. You paid attention to her, you had to, and if you tried... Lord have mercy.

When she did plop back down though, she sighed and flung the phone to the side and grabbed the remote, turning the volume up just a little.

OoOoO

"Where do you think she is now?"

Cordelia twitched her mouth. "I honestly don't have any idea. I haven't really thought about it. Whever Buffy is though, I do hope she's happy and healthy."

The blonde smiled widely and thanked the actress for the interview, who, in returned, thanked her for having her on the show.

Faith rolled her eyes watching. She hated famous people.

"And that's our show! Thank you once again to Cordelia Chase, who's new movie 'The Hellmouth' comes out next weekend. Be sure to check it out..." And at that, Faith had to laugh out loudly.

'They actually mentioned the damn movie she was supposed to here to promote after all.'


	2. Chapter Two

_**I See You Start To Trip To The Thirteenth Floor** _   
_**It's Running Through Your Veins, But You Still Want More** _   
_**Lookin' For The Wings That Can Make You Fly** _   
_**You Wanna Hold The World And Kiss The Sky** _

"Hey," Oz greeted, his voice even, his eyes slowly taking the small area around him.

Angel looked at him from out of the corner of his eye as he finished off another bottle of some hard, but not hard enough for his liking right now, liquor before tossing it. Leaning forward as the sound of glass hitting the floor echoed through the room, he tried to peer around the small bodied guitarist. "What do we have here Ozzie? No one else, you're here all by yourself? You didn't bring along any young, beautiful, breathtaking blondes to introduce me to and have them come and fuck up my entire fucking life?"

"Wow. With an attitude like that, I can't see a reason in the world as to why Buffy up and split on your ass," Oz replied, remaining calm on the outside but feeling more annoyed with his 'friend' by the second.

Angel growled and stood up, almost knocking the chair he'd popped up out of over in the process. "Shut. The Fuck. Up." He warned. "I did everything for her and what the fuck do I get?" Before he could say anything more, a needle hit the ground, drawing attention to it's tiny self instead.

"Yeah," Oz said, "I can see that. She never asked a damn thing from you Angelus, except that you stop trying killing yourself, and yeah, I see how well that's worked out." Oz crossed his arms over his chest and ignored the raging singer staring him down. "And seriously man, do you really think going on national television still obviously doing the one thing that sent her packing and begging her to come like that is really going to work? Do you think she saw it and went, 'Oh boy, I want some more of that?"

OoOoO

It took a lot of yelling, pushing and shoving, fellow band members, crew and more to get them to both to back down and cool off. Of course, the two musicians had to be separate and placed in other rooms, but still.

Willow ran her hands through the short locks of her boyfriend's currently black hair and then stood up, kissing his forehead on the way. "I'm going to go talk to him," she said softly.

Oz reached up and grabbed her hand, "I don't think that's a good idea."

She sighed. "Maybe not, but I need to."

They two stared at one another for a long time, but finally Oz nodded, giving her one last look that clearly told her she needed to be careful. She smiled, and signaled silently that she would. Then, another quick kiss later, she started to leave the room and go find Angel.

OoOoO

"Hey," she greeted, popping her head in.

Angel tilted his head to the side and attempted a pathetic looking smile. He thought he might have even managed to ever-so slightly pull it off. "Hey," he said quietly.

Willow smiled back, hers much brighter than his, and entered the room. She ignored everything going on and just came to sit beside him. "How are you?" she asked, her voice soft.

He was quiet for the longest time, looking away, his body tensing. "I can't find her," he finally spoke, his voice a hoarse whisper. Willow didn't need for him to be looking directly at her to know he was crying. "She's just... gone. She's gone, Will."

Willow didn't even think twice about it, she scooted closer and threw her arms around her friend. He shuddered and she whispered "Let it go," and he did, falling apart right there in her arms.

When he was finished, for now anyway, he rubbed his eyes and pulled away slightly. "You haven't heard from her, have you?" he asked, his eyes the most pitiful things she'd ever witnessed.

"No," she told him sadly, "I haven't. Oz hasn't either."

Angel nodded sadly himself.

"The last time either of us did was when she... you know..."

Angel nodded again and then let his eyes flick back up to meet hers. "What did she say?" He'd never asked before.

Willow sighed and looked down at her hands. "She sent a few text messages to Oz. She'd tried to call but..." Willow shook her head, wanting to cry herself. She missed her friend. "She mostly just said..." She met Angel's eyes again then patted his hand. "You know, I'll be right back," she told him and left to go back to Oz and steal his phone for a minute. She knew he hadn't deleted the messages, couldn't bring himself to. When she returned once more, Willow handed it to him, already having pulled up the first of them up so he could read it himself. It wasn't much, but she figured it might help just the tiniest bit for him to see something his love had written out instead of just telling him.

Especially when the words he was bound to know came from her weren't exactly going to be among his favorite.

OoOoO

Angel was transfixed on the phone. They were old messages, but they were new to him. It sent a little pitter-patter to his heart knowing this had been her. It was proof she had existed. Some day he almost felt as though he imagined it all. And he clung to everything he had left of her for that reason. He needed to know she had existed. Needed to know he had to get her back. Otherwise...

"Angel," Willow's soft voice broke through his thoughts, "What happened?"

Everyone and their mother knew Buffy had left. Hell, the whole world managed to get ahold of the wildfire rumors of her up and running before he had even realized how serious it was going to be. Everyone also knew why... just no one really knew what had really happened.

He couldn remember the exact moment when he realized she was really gone this time, he could remember the panic that rushed through him, bringing him to his knees when it had hit him. He was sure that if he had been standing, it would have again just thinking about it. It was the absolute worst moment of his entire life.

He could always remember the exact moment when she realized that she was going to leave. He didn't notice it then... but afterward, he sure did and he kept replaying it over and over in his head. It was a look on her face, one that haunted him now. She was faced toward him but not looking at him directly, like she couldn't. Her eyes were brimmed with tears and her lips were in a hard line to try and hold back the sobs you could see bubbling inside. She looked pale as a ghost and you could see the emotions playing across her face, the words spinning through her head as she realized what she was going to do. Suddenly, her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes squeezed shut as she let herself slide down the wall to the floor...

Angel thought he was going to be sick. He shifted and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands.

"Angel, you need to get better," Willow whispered and he sighed. He'd just been telling himself the same thing. He just didn't know how.

OoOoO

Later that night, Faith started walking to her room, pausing in front of her friend's door and listen to the poor girl's nightly ritual of crying herself to sleep.

Faith shook her head. The girl on the otherside of that door had been coined 'America's Sweetheart' quite sometime ago, despite having been blamed for breaking up the marriage of Liam Angelus and Cordelia Chase in the process. She was one of the most recognized faces in the world today. She was loved, adored, envied. And now look at her.

Faith had been one of the millions who followed their every move, even if she found it embarrassing at times. She never thought she'd be one of those people. But, oh, she was. She'd wondered what it would be like to Buffy Summers once or twice. Now she knew.

Faith sighed to herself once more and continued on to her room thinking how strange it all was that of all the places in the world Buffy could have run off to, she ended up here. With her. And she was pretending to be her goddamn sister for crying out loud.

And Faith knew she was the only one who was clued in on the secret, at least intentionally.

It was all pretty crazy.

OoOoO

"Angel, the currently tormented lead singer of rock group Angelus, has checked himself back into a local rehab facility earlier this morning..."

Buffy rolled over in her bed as the news came out from her clock radio. She stared at the noise making device as the man reporting such rambled on a bit before she'd heard enough, reached over and turned it off. The lastthing she heard was the man questioning his broadcast partner on if this rehab stint would bring her back into the picture or not.

Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, letting a lot of things sink in. She felt a tingling hope deep withing and sat there trying to will it away.

She did truly want to believe that her ex was going to get the help he so obviously needed, but she also knew him and how things had gone with this before. Angel had gone to rehab a number of times before... problem was, he'd never stay. Though she did always hope maybe, just maybe... this time would be different. It just became harder and harder with each and every try and fail. But... maybe her leaving had woken him up.

Buffy made no rush to get herself out of bed and start the day. She thought for a bit about Angel, then she began mentally imagining what she could do to make her rented room a bit more homey for her. It was a nice though, put some excitement to think of... though at the same time, made her stomach want to give way when reality came into her mind again.

She didn't want to get attached, for a number of reasons. One being the chance someone would find out who she was and blow her cover. If so, she'd be out of here in a snap. And on the other hand... Buffy didn't like the idea of getting comfortable here... because that would mean everything truly was over, that things with her love would never change.

With a lot of her mind, she finally decided to get out of bed and head toward the bathroom. The image in the mirror no longer made her jump, but she wasn't all that used to it either. It wasn't so much that she suddenly looked like someone else entirely, but it was safe to say she didn't so much look like her regular self either. The changes to her appearance helped, but so did no one expecting her to be here too.

Leaning closer to the mirror, Buffy studied her face for several minutes before sighing and going over to start a bath. When she got out, she dried off slowly and threw her pajama's back on. She didn't have to work today and she had no plans either, so far. Standing back in front of the mirror, Buffy sighed and began brushing her hair as she stared at the odd girl looking back at her.

Elizabeth Lehane.

Beth.

New in town. Beth.

Sister of Faith Lehane. Beth.

Brunette. Beth.

Nobody knows. Beth.

Cashier. Beth.

Normal girl. Beth.

OoOoO

If you were to ask Faith Lehane, she would add in a thing or two to Buffy's list of what was helping her stay hidden from the rest of the world for the time being.

The girl sharing her apartment was a far cry from everything Buffy Summers had seemed to be. There were some things you could look back on and see some resemblances to, but for the most part it was very much like two very different people, in very different worlds.

The girl known as Buffy Summers had won over the hearts of millions real quick. Try as many might, it was just impossible not to find yourself fascinated by the tiny blonde. And as she had become more and more comfortable with the high life she'd been thrust into, the more the girl had begun to shine. The girl was sweet, almost sickening so at times. She always seemed so polite and caring, no matter what was going on. She was infectious with it all. The girl could smile one of those smiles and no matter who you were, you found yourself with your own goofy grin plastered across your face. You knew why damn well Liam Angelus was a goner. Especially if you put them together.

The press? They loved her. L-o-v-e-d her. There was, of course, the first and foremost reason of the rumor mill, added in with the countless amount of money she'd rung in. She had sold more stories, pictures, magazines, the work than anyone else. After awhile, Angel wasn't even needed for them to sell or become interesting, the girl was a life of her own. But more than that, whenever she would be in something... it was always... she always had something special. If she did an interview, whoever the interviewer was, they seemed to enchanted by the end of it. They could go in moddy, disrespectful, rude and all get out... but by the end, seemed every single time, everyone changed to being head over heels in love with her.

The papparazzi loved her the most though. Money, care, memories. She'd never been rude about it, shy at first but then seemed to accept it all. She never even showed annoyance really, but she also never reveled in it as many celebrities did these days. She just seemed to accept it was part of the lifestyle. She smiled and waved, apologized when someone else weren't handling it quite as well, she answered their questions, laughed with them. Every once in awhile, she'd have a little fun with them too. She'd hang out and talk a little longer than usual, borrow one of their camera's and ask if she could go 'hunting' with them sometime, which, of course, they agreed to, and little things like that when she was in a better, more playful mood. And, they got most of the information about her out there. She really wasn't fond of doing the 'real' press, the interviews, photoshoots and the works. She was just a girl, as she kept trying to tell everyone.

Other celebrities loved her. Photographers, actors, musicians, designers, movie directors, writers... they all had a hard time ever saying a bad word about her. They all just wanted to meet her and comment on how damn adorable she was. And many, that they wanted to help make her an even bigger star. They were pretty dissapointed when they their offers were turned down. Buffy didn't seem to have any desire to be a model, an actress, anything they were hoping for. She did pimp out some of her favorite bands and movies with a wide collection of tee shirts though. They all seemed to appreciate that. And she did wear any gifts from designers and would boast about how wonderful they were when asked. They really loved that. Until the next event, they were the hottest hit in town thanks to her.

She was asked whether or not she and Angel were having an affair so, so, so many times but she never faultered. She never showed annoyance as the same question kept coming up everywhere she went. She'd smile and shake her head and tell the world again and again that no, they were not, that they were just friends. Sometimes she'd get a bit more into it, usually in more sit-down situations, and try to do her best to explain the situation, a little bit about her, her friendship with Angel, what she was doing hanging around all the time and so on. She put up with a lot of horrible things being said about her and often to her as well. It had taken some time, but the world watched as she got unfortunately had to get used to it. She'd say it hurt her to see and heard things like that, and you honestly could see that it did when brought up, but she never said an unkind thing back. She never really had an unkind thing to say at all. The ideas she put out there didn't always seem like the most interesting in Hollywood terms so they kept at it, but the more time went on, the more everyone else began to actually believe her. And every just fell just a little bit more for her.

Fangirls were supposed to hate her. They hated everybody who got close to 'their' Angel. Whenever there was a rumored girlfriend or whatever, you could count on them to provide some dumbass entertainment. And whenever he took up with Cordelia... and then ended up friggin' getting married to her so suddenly... oh yeah. She was Enemy Number One. Everybody hated her. But damn, B came along, won their hearts as well. They were cheering her on. They wanted her to break up the unholy marriage between those two. And when the eventually did reveal themselves as a couple, they remained loyal. They were jealous, but it didn't matter. They had a couple now. And they were obsessed.

Buffy, on the other hand, never said a bad thing towards Cordelia either. She always said she liked the brunette and they somewhat got along but she really didn't know her all that well. She stood by that she had no intention to come between the two of them and she always wished them the best. Everybody else on the planet was ahead of the curve on that one. She might not have set out for what was to come, tried to stop it, and all of that but it was far too late. Everybody and their mother knew Angel had fallen in love with her and it was only a matter of time.

Now, to look at any resemblance, you had to go there. Buffy trying to put an end to whatever was going on between her and Angel. Her running away was what Faith assumed was really got the fangirls behind her. Well, not so much the actual running away part, but the Angel going after her bit. He'd chased her down many times, a few with the lights and cameras following along for the ride. And he publicly talked her into coming back though they were only seeing one another at the time. He'd break your heart with those speeches, begging her not to go. She'd fall apart right before your eyes. She'd tried to push him away, to explain they couldn't do this, that things were going to end up in a horrible way... but he always got her back.

That's why Buffy had to go about things so differently this last time. She knew she'd go back if he'd find her. She always did. She couldn't help it. Faith was sure that if she'd witness the man she loved murder someone then came running after her and sweet talked her like that she'd take him back. Hell, she might even take the fall for him. It was just like that between them.

Faith could remember being drawn to Buffy then, when she wasn't all held together. You knew she loved him just as much as he loved her, but she was doing her best to keep it inside, to keep the words she'd said so many times true. But she did love him, did need him just as much as he needed her. And Buffy was just so vulnerable then, more like the girl she'd come to know a bit more personally then on tv, in magazines and on the internet.

Those incredibly personal moments everyone intruded on really stuck out in Faith's memory.

She could also remember back to whenever the news first came out about the blonde and how it spread like wildfire. She could remember Buffy from before, when she was not used to this life. When she terrified of the mob who practically attacked them from all angles wherever the went. She could remember the shy girl hiding behind the frontman of her favorite band, remember the first time peeked her head around. She could still see that look on her face, in her eyes.

And lastly, she could think back to a few key captured moments that had happened a bit more recently. There were times when Angel had been a bit too out of control publicly, but the real story was with Buffy. They'd capture her reaction and it broke your heart to see that girl in so much pain. You could go back and look through old clips and photos and such and see the downfall right there. She was slowly dying inside, and everyone sat back and watched.

OoOoO

Angel was shaking and sweating profusely. He'd only been here a number of hours so it wasn't really the withdrawls hitting him yet, more with the terrified of what was to come. He knew that he was going to be sick, he knew he was going to be in pain, he knew he was going to suffer.

He'd attempted to get through this more times than he could count. He knew what was coming, he knew it was going to be worse than the last time and the time before that and the time before that... not that he could see how. He could still remember how bad it had been. Somewhat anyway. What he could was more than enough though. But now, with Buffy gone... everything was so much worse.

He had tried since she left... but clean and sober, even if just the tinest bit, made the pain of losing her unbearable. It wasn't a fuzzy haze, it was all right there. Every ounce of heartache, every fucking thing he had done wrong. It was right there. And he could not deal. He wasn't that strong, he didn't know if anyone could be. Not if they felt like he did.

He was using and drinking more than he ever had before. He still knew she was gone, still felt the most pain he'd ever been through in his life, still had her on his mind... but it dulled it all. Just the tiniest bit. And he craved that more than anything.

Angel stared at a spot on the wall in front of him until his vision blurred. 'Why couldn't I have stayed, one time, one fucking time?' he asked himself for the millionth time. 'One time before she left.'

Angel felt tears stinging his eyes, bile rising in his throat.

He was already planning his exit.


	3. Chapter Three

Faith yawned, waving tiredly at her roommate as she walked across their kitchen-slash-dining room area to grab up some of the breakfast the former blonde had made. Days where Buffy didn't have to go into work sure were something to look forward to as far as Faith was concerned, she was by no means a cook herself, so Buffy's delicious skills were quite a nice little extra perk. And after piling on as much food as her plate could take, then doing the same with a second, Faith tried to make it over to their small table with them... plus a glass of juice. She sat everything down with a smile of triumph for not falling over then too her seat.

Faith was glad to see Buffy eating a little better this morning. It was obvious the girl had been losing some major weight since her great escape and all. Buffy would always brush it off and say she was fine, just adjusting and all, but she remained worried. It was nice to see what looked like her apetite returning. It was a bit surprising however, and it made her wonder if Buffy had heard the latest news about Angel this morning. She knew that Buffy had her radio set as an alarm but she didn't know if she'd caught it or whatever. She couldn't really hear it from her own room though and she was still attempting to sleep at the time. Plus, Buffy usually tried to steer clear of anything like that. Faith guessed it was probably too hard for her to deal with, she knew that Buffy was still in love with him and how bad she was hurting these days.

She, herself, had heard all about it while in her own shower before coming out to eat. Sometimes she liked to have some music on in the morning to help her wake up for the day or just, well, just because. Today she heard a bit more news than music though.

Deciding to leave all of that be for now, Faith reached for the syrup and practically smothered her blueberry pancakes and stuffed french toast with strawberry and whipped cream toppings with it. Taking her first bite, a huge chunk of her french toast as she was practically drooling just looking at it, she closed her eyes and moaned as her taste buds were assaulted with sweetness. Breakfast was definitely becoming her favorite meal. And Buffy her downright favorite person for it!

Buffy's giggling broke her out of her heavenly escape and she opened her eyes to see Buffy shaking her head at her. Faith attempted to smile... which wasn't easy with a mouthfull... then closed her eyes and let herself get back to enjoying her meal. "Have I mentioned how glad I am to have you here?" Faith asked once she'd swallowed it down with a little help from her orange juice. Before the words were out, she was already staring back down at her plates. French toast, pancakes, hashbrowns, eggs, bacon, ham, toast, english muffins and even more which she hadn't had room for on the two plates still to come.. Yep, she was incredibly glad to have Buffy here.

Buffy looked down at her hands for a long moment then smiled a bit sadly before meeting Faith's eyes again. "I know I haven't said it enough, I'm not sure there is a way to, but I truly do thank you Faith, you know, for everything..." Buffy looked away again and slowly resumed eating.

Faith felt a little tug on her heart strings. She knew what a big deal this was to her new friend, but she was more than happy to help her out. She'd told her in a light mood how glad she was to have her here, but it was the truth.

OoOoO

_**Take The Path Of Least Resistance** _   
_**Into The Great Unknown** _   
_**No Directory Assistance** _   
_**Now You're On You're On** _   
_**But If You're Looking For A New World** _   
_**Just Open Up Your Eyes** _

Faith could remember walking into the bathroom and remember hearing the sobs coming from the stall next to her. She wasn't usually one to get all up in some stranger's business, but she couldn't help it this time. For whatever reasoning. She knocked softly on the wall and asked whoever was in there if they were alright. The answer she got was "Yes," sob, "I'm," sob, "just fine," many sobs, "Thank you." Well, Faith knew that was just not true. She tried to get the girl to talk to her a bit but even when she got her to open up a little it was difficult due to the crying and hysterics. On impulse, she carefully and quietly climbed up to stand on the comode and peer over the edge. She didn't think it was exactly inappropriate, well, okay, it was but she knew she wasn't actually going to the bathroom or anything so chanced it.

She was soaked to the bone, the girl sitting on the toilet seat in the tiny stall beside her. Her head was down and her body was shaking. Faith wasn't sure if it was from being cold and wet, the tears, both or something else. She couldn't see her face but could make out the blonde hair and tiny frame despite wearing some large clothing over it, espeically since they were sticking to her now from the rain and all. There were bags at her feet, Faith had already noticed some of those from briefly looking to the side with her head more down at that level, but there were more than she'd imagined. On the girl's lap, she saw a roll of tissue paper that she was using to try and wipe away her tears and all else, some large, dark sunglasses, a small purse, some big ball of fuzz and some other little things she couldn't quite make out. "Do you need me to call someone?" Faith finally asked.

The girl was so startled that she shrieked, jumped and bit, and then ended up falling sideways off of the comode. The poor girl hit her head against the wall and fell down to the ground and partly on top of some of her bags. She slapped a hand across her face and Faith watched as she tried so hard not to completely lose it.

She was watching in shock though, as soon as the blonde's head tilted just enough... she knew who she was and Faith just couldn't believe it. 'What in the world is she doing?' she asked herself but before she could think of anything else, say or do anything, Buffy's head popped up and she had pure terror in her eyes as she looked at her.

"Oh, no," she barely made out and Buffy started trying to pick herself back up and shook harder as she tried to get her stuff.

"Hey, hey," Faith called out, "it's okay. I won't say anything," she swore.

Buffy twirled around and they met eyes again. Faith assurred her a few more times and for whatever reason, Buffy calmed down, she believed her. As soon as she did though, she fell back down on top of her things and fell back to pieces.

Faith watched her for the longest time before she blurted out the offer which would change both of their lives. She didn't know what in the world Buffy was doing but she asked her anyway. She couldn't very well just leave her there in this damn bathroom like this, Faith knew that much. Buffy stilled and then looked up with questioning eyes, a little bit of fear back in them as well. Faith explained the situation and offered her to come with her once again. It was completely insane, she knew that, Buffy knew it too, but it happened. Buffy finally agreed and Faith felt herself sigh a little. She didn't know why she felt so relieved, but she did.

"You're not like... well..."

Faith smiled, "What? Some crazy stalker person or murderer or something?" she finished.

Buffy blushed a little but nodded.

Faith had to laugh. "No, I'm not. I can be a little 'crazy' from time to time, I'll admit, but I'm alright. If I wasn't though, I'd tell you straight up."

Buffy laughed a little herself at that then nodded and whispered "Okay then."

The ball of fuzz she'd noticed earlier turned out to be a dreadful, hidious wig. Faith was pretty sure it was just as awful looking even when it wasn't soaked and tangled up and well, whatever else it was. "Here, do you have any dry clothings in any of those?" she asked the blonde, nodding towards some of the bags she had on her.

Buffy looked over at them herself then nodded. "I think so," she said quietly.

"Good, then go ahead and get changed, I'll have a few more things for you when you're done alright?" she told her then climbed down to give her some privacy. She sat down on her own toilet seat and reached into one of the bags she'd brought in with her and dug around until she found what she was looking for. When she heard Buffy call out that she was ready, Faith stood up and unlocked the door to her stall. "I'll be right back," she called.

"Uh, Faith?"

There was that darn panic back. As she walked, Faith explained she was just making sure no one came in to bother them, all thanks to a little homemade 'Out Of Order' note she stuck on the door then pushed some of the trash bins in front of it just in case. "There," she said then turned around. "You can come out," she called out as she walked back over. Buffy was hesitant but she made it out into the open where Faith led her over to the long counter sinks area and had her hop up so she could get to work.

"Where'd you get all this stuff?" Buffy asked as she looked over her new wig, crazy make up and the works. Faith had disguised herself up too, mostly just for the hell of it but also just in case too. She'd already been infected with a slight case of Buffy's paranoia it seemed.

Faith smiled, adding the final touched to them both. "I was trying my hand at being a stylist for awhile," she told her and laughed, walking over to put her tools away. "I really have no idea why," she said truthfully and shrugged, "Just something to try I guess."

Buffy smiled and then asked her a few more question about this crazy idea she'd been offered. It was still crazy no matter how many questions were asked, answers were given and all else but it didn't seem to matter. Pretty soon they were exiting the bathroom, the building and finally the town.

On the drive, the plan was fully set into place. Faith ended up calling in to ask if it was alright to add a tenant, that her sister had run into some trouble and had asked to stay with her for awhile. Buffy had poked her shoulder as she listened and whispered once again she'd take care of the costs and everything. Faith waved her off and listened some more before letting it be know that everything was fine. Buffy just had to sign some papers and she found out the costs and whatever. All things that could be taken care of.

Her next call was a bit more exciting. "How fast can you get me som fake ID's and some other paperwork and stuff?"

"What kind of 'other paperwork and stuff' are we talking about?"

Faith laughed, "Oh, you know, the usual. Social Security Number or birth certificate, some other kind of proof of ID or something. Maybe some fake letters for a previous address. Things like that."

There was a sigh. "How fast you need these?"

"It'd be super great if you could get them to me by the morning?"

Another sigh. "You know damn well that I'm good, but I ain't that good."

She laughed again. "As soon as possible then, huh?"

"Yeah, sure. Give me some info. Who are you gonna be now?"

"Psh. This isn't about me."

"Oh, really? Well then, color me more interested. Let's hear it."

"Since when are you all kinds of nosey?"

"Since when are you all kinds of secretive? What are you holding out on me with?"

Faith glanced over at Buffy who was busy worrying her bottom lip. "Wouldn't you like to know? Here's what you need to know... Straight hair, dark, preferrably black or really dark brown. Green eyes. Light but tan skin tone, California type tan, not cheap spray shit or something. Small frame..." she rattled on the best as she could and told him to call if he needed any more info. When she hun gup, Faith stole a glance over at Buffy. She was worrying her bottom lip but still she seemed a bit more calm with the more miles they covered and more they got to know each other. The superstar in hiding sure didn't seem to be surprised or didn't question how she was getting these things, who she was talking to or whatever. Faith figured she probably dealt with those things a time or two on her own.

"What's it like?" Buffy asked after awhile.

Faith asked if she meant the town they were heading for and she nodded. Faith shrugged. "I don't really know, I've only been there twice myself and didn't really get a chance to check it out."

At that Buffy seemed surprised. "So what, you just randomly picked somewhere to go move your life to or something?"

Faith thought about that for a moment then smiled. "Something like that," she agreed. "But you're doing something kind of similar now yourself," she reminded her, "Don't you think?"

It was true for her though, Faith pretty much did just randomly pick to come here. She'd been planning to leave already, try something new, go somewhere new, and one night she'd stopped through on her way to visit a friend and it just fell into place. She'd done this act a few times already, it was her way of expierencing the world, all in her own way but she thought it was nice to not be alone this go around. No one here knew who she was either. Well, everyone knew who Buffy was... they just didn't know they knew her. So it worked well. They both got a lot out of it, a weird but pretty damn awesome friendship, a new expirence in life, a fresh start and so much more they sometimes they even realized.


	4. Chapter Four

_**Would It Be Alright If I Could Live Again** _

Buffy had the day off but Faith did not, which did not make the day look promising at all for watched the only person who purposefully knew who she was these days smile and wave quickly at her before closing the door and then she let out a heavy sigh as loneliness began to seep back in.

Faith was pretty much all Buffy had. She'd made a few at work friends, just a few girls who she talked to time to time when there or would hang out with at work, but nothing more than that. She had also met a few of the neighbors to their building but they weren't exactly all buddy-buddy either. Honestly, most of those she'd randomly run into and do the whole 'Hey, how are you today?' thing, she didn't even remember their names, if she'd even known them in the first place. It was on purpose that she didn't get close to anyone else, that she didn't go out unless she had to, but it still kind of sucked. She didn't go hang out around town for fear someone would notice her, recognize her for who she really was, or just would want to get to know her. And that was the same with going out to anywhere else, small towns, big cities, they all had an up side but also a downside that she didn't feel like taking a chance on. Her life was a friggin' disaster these days.

Buffy missed Angel, more with each passing day. Being away from him was eating her up inside, but she knew how much worse it would be if she'd go back and nothing having changed. Not only him, Buffy missed all the boys, the crew, her friends, her life. They were all like family... the love, memories, fights, craziness they'd all shared. She missed her best friends, Oz and Willow, and it was a huge struggle every single day to not contact them. Oz had been her friend for quite some time, but she had taken to Willow as soon as she'd met her. Dingoes Ate My Babies was the band Oz played guitar for and they were all good friends with the boys of Angelus. They traveled and toured alot together even if Dingoes weren't as hugely popular as they were, something they were actually rather thankful for, but she knew Oz for quite awhile before all that. After all, he was who introduced her to Angel as he knew she was a big fan. And Willow... Willow kept her sane alot of the time. She knew how it was to be one of the girls and live through all this craziness. They were really the only two serious ones kept around for the longest time so they'd learned to stick together.

Buffy missed home. She missed when she didn't have to hide away. When she used to feel safe. She missed her life.

Already looking over toward the clock, Buffy sighed again as she added up how long until Faith would be returning.

"Argh!" she growled into the empty apartment before standing up and going to try and find something to waste a little bit of time with.

OoOoO

_**I Think I'm Drowing In Your Flood** _   
_**I Just Can't Live** _   
_**Without Your Love** _

"Hey," Oz called out as he hopped up onto the stage.

Angel turned his head and smiled. "Hey, I was wondering if you were in town this weekend."

Oz nodded, "We're still on bit of a break."

Looking the guitarist over, he nodded his head at Oz's hurt arm. "How's that doing?"

Oz looked down at the sling and bandages too. "Healing. Slowly."

"Sucks."

"Yeah," Oz agreed then walked a few more feet toward him. "So hey, you think you might have a few minutes to spare for a bit of a favor later on?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Sure, what's up?"

"A friend of mine's birthday is in a few days, Buffy, I think I've mentioned her a few times?" At his nod, Oz continued, "Anyway, she's a pretty huge fan and is coming to the show tonight due to a few strings being pulled but I thought it might be cool if she could come back and say hi to you guys or something."

He smiled again, "Sure, not a problem." After all, a friend of Oz's was a friend of his. "I'll get it set up."

And he did, but then during the day he thought he'd do one better. Oz had always been a friend to him and the rest of the guys since they'd met so he was more than happy to do it.

A little while before the show, he talked with everyone to make sure they knew what was going on and were all okay with it. Which didn't surprise him that they were. It was Oz and friend, all good. Then he called up Oz to let him know as well who laughed and thanked him saying this was going to be making this Buffy girl's night by far.

He wasn't expecting it to make his. Not like that anyway.

Almost at the end of the show, it started. He spoke a little to the crowd, asking how everyone was doing tonight, if they were having a good time. Then he brought on the surprise for the birthday girl, calling her out and inviting her onto the stage. It took a few moments for her and Oz to make their way through, but eventually the made it. Oz jumped up first which got a bunch of screams on it's own, he was pretty recognized but this was his home base so that added to it, then Oz reached his hand down and pulled her up.

He could remember the first glimpse of her, how it made everything around him seem to darken and all he could see was her. He froze, stared. He watched her every move as she walked closer to him and thought he might pass out when she reached him. Oz had to poke him a few times before he snapped out of it, as much as he could anyway. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her, couldn't stop the feelings rushing through him. It took a lot of work, but he somehow made it through introductions and singing "Happy Birthday."

OoOoO

Angel blinked his eyes open slowly and immediatly regretted doing that. Buffy was gone again. And it was very bright. Too many people were around him and he felt like he was going to be sick. He closed his eyes again.

That turned out to be an even worse expierence. He jumped from their first meeting right to the last time he saw her. That dreadful, haunting fucking night. Her face nothing but sadness and pain.

Angel blinked his eyes open again. Someone was trying to talk to him, he couldn't hear them right now though. He blinked again, not letting his eyes stay shut this time for fear of what might be lurking there.

He really needed to get out of here. He needed to make it stop.

OoOoO

Buffy was trying to concentrate on her book so hard that she'd practically jumped out of her skin when there was a knock on the door. "Jesus Christ Buffy, get a hold of yourself," she muttered. "Just a second!" she called out and sat the book down and headed for the door. She still always had a bit of a panic bubble in her everytime this happened... or if anyone ever called, looked at her or really anything else... but it was a slowly getting better, easier. It was a work in progress. Looking through the peep hole, Buffy sighed a bit in relief and opened the door. "Hey, um, Graham?" she hoped.

The rather attractive man smiled and nodded. "Yeah," he said with a bit of a laugh, "Sorry to bother you and Faith, Beth, but I am just going stir crazy over there. I'm obligated to take two weeks vacation and they pretty much forced it on me a few days ago and I am just bored out of my mind so I thought I'd come over here and see if you two were busy, wanted to hang out or something."

"Oh," she wasn't expecting that, "um, well Faith's at work already so it's just me."

"Do you have to go in today?"

"It's my day off."

"Well... okay... me and you could hang out then. Movie theater's just down the road if you wanted to go. Or whatever, breakfast, lunch, the park, anything. I'm just really bored," he laughed and she joined him, it was a little obvious to see this man didn't handle down time very well.

"Don't you want to go hang out with your friends or something?"

"Not really," he said then laughed again before shrugging, "Most of my friends I work with so I've seen plenty of them. It's almost nice being away honestly. And I mean, you don't seem to go out very often yourself... not that I'm watching or anything," he added quickly and Buffy laughed again. "I mean, I just..."

"It's okay," she chuckled, "I got ya."

He breathed a sigh of relief then ran a hand through his hair. "So? What do you say?"

Buffy sighed herself as she thought it over. It was pretty damn tempting. She was having a pretty bad day today for some reason. Everything seemed harder to deal with again all of a sudden.

When Angel popped in her mind again she must have given off some kind of look because Graham held up his hands, "Just as friends, not asking for anything more."

Buffy looked up at him and he smiled. He sounded very... something. It was nice. She smiled back then nodded shyly. "Okay. A movie would be fine." She'd worry about being spotted another day, today she just wanted an escape. "You want to come in?" she suddenly asked, her eyes wide, she hoped it didn't seem too rude not to have asked earlier. "I'll need to change obviously but you're free to wait in here if you want. There's even some left of breakfast I could heat up."

"Oh don't go to any trouble on my account."

She waved him off as she closed the door. "Nonsense." She walked him over to the table and went to work reheating up a bit of the breakfast she'd made earlier and setting it out for him. "Here's the paper if you want to look over what's playing and the times 'cause I honestly haven't a clue," she told him handing it over.

"Thanks. You don't go to the movies?"

She shrugged. "It's been awhile. I'll be back in a few. If you need anything just holler."

His mouth was full so he just threw her a thumbs up, making her laugh again. It almost felt nice.

OoOoO

"You went out on a date?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "No Faith, I did not go out on a date," she spoke into the phonse as she walked around the apartment, "I went out with... I hung out with a neighbor for awhile. Nothing more than that, God."

"Yeah. A cute male neighbor."

Buffy sighed. "It wasn't anything."

"Uh huh," Faith laughed. "What else do you do when I'm not around?" she teased.

"Okay, I'm hanging up now and letting you get back to work."

"Oh, can't take the heat huh? Just you remember I know where you live!"

"Whatever," she laughed. "Later."

"Later!"

Buffy hung up the phone then plopped down on the couch. She felt close to happy still. It was weird.

She knew Faith couldn't have been more wrong though. A date? She couldn't date even if she wanted to. Everything she told whoever the lucky male was would basically be a lie. And she couldn't do that. It was one thing to just do as she was now but it would be different in that situation. So very different. Hard and wrong. Plus, and more importantly, there was Angel.

She still belonged to him. Hell, she knew she always would. No matter what happened, there was no one else.

 


	5. Chapter Five

You've Got Blood-Shot Eyes And A Heavy Heart  
Long Sleeves Covering Your Needle Marks  
Broken Dreams, And An Empty Hope  
How Does It Feel When You Start To Choke

It was the same man who had spoke of Angel's enter into rehab to be the voice that told her the not-so-very surprising news that he'd already split. Buffy did everything in her power not to cry, but it wasn't good enough. She hadn't let herself get too high up with hope, but that didn't mean she didn't fall anyway. As she did each and every time when it came to this. When it came to him.

Reaching an arm over, Buffy yanked the radio from the wall. "Damnit Angel!" she cried out and fell back down onto the bed, her face burying into the pillow. "I just wanna go home," she whispered into it.

OoOoO

"I will tell you this much, I'm gonna fuckin' kill him!" Spike swore, pusing his way through to try and get to his destination. The building seemed to shake as he pounded his feet as he went.

Suddenly Gunn was standing in front of him. Spike glared, reach to punch him out if it came to that.

"You do not want to go in there," Gunn warned.

"Oh, like Hell I don't!" Spike snarled, pushing past the other man.

"Spike," Gunn called out after him. "He's...well, he's not... alone..."

At that, the Brit spun around. "He what?!"

Gunn sighed, "There's... he brought a girl."

"What?!" he repeated, stalking his way back toward the darker man.

Gunn threw his hands up in the air. "Hey man, you have heard don't shoot the messenger right?"

"What, in the bloody Hell, happened?"

The other man sighed again. "As far as I know... Angel was pretty...well... out of it when he got here. He was going on and on about Buffy... you know, how much he missed her, how sorry he was over everything, how he didn't know what to do, that everything that had happened was his fault, and Buffy deserved better. After awhile of going through that, he seemed to calm down and passed out for awhile. Then he woke up... And I don't know, man. Angel just flew into this rant... everything was fuck her, that Buffy had ruined his life, how he was glad she was gone so that now he could go fix things with Cordy or go find someone else, someone better. And well... that led to him just taking off... and coming back with her. Whoever the Hell her is."

Spike shook his head in disbelief. "Motherfucker," he cursed under his breath a second before spinning on his heels and walking the other way.

"Spike!"

He was to the door before anything else could be said, kicking it in. "Angelus, what the fuck do you think you are doing?!" he screamed out.

The girl didn't seem to notice or just didn't mind the intruder, she just kept moaning and thrashing about. Spike wasn't sure how he didn't hurl right then and there. Angel, on the other hand, he turned his head toward his step brother and gave him a wide grin. It was half-dopey, half-menacing. "What Spikey, has it really been that long for you?" he taunted, never breaking his rhythm as he thrusted into Little Miss Skank there.

Spike felt his hands balling into fists, his eyes were burning, his whole body tense and even his mouth was open but he couldn't even think of a single thing to possibly say.

OoOoO

It didn't take long for the press and therefore the world to get wind of the troubles brewing in the band. Or why. And it was absolutely plastered everywhere.

"Are you alright?" Faith asked her friend. This was the first night Buffy had come back to work after calling in sick since she had heard and Faith found her spacing out in any free time, staring at the long line of gossip rags with catchy headlines and badly taken photographs of Angel and a different girl on each of them.

Buffy blinked away the tears threatening to fall and attempted a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine," she whispered.

Faith gave her a knowing look and hugged her. She opened her mouth a number of times but nothing ever came out. She had no idea what she could possibly say to help her friend right now.

How she ever wished she did though.

OoOoO

Once again, Spike found himself in one hell of a mood. And yet again about his step brother, former bandmate, former friend. And yet again, here he was, stomping through halls to find the moron.

Spike flung the door opened and marched inside, not a bit surprised by the chaos surrounding him in the dirty room.

He was thankful he hadn't caught Angel in the middle of anything this time.

"What the fuck do you want?" Angel growled.

Spike shot him a look, but instead of answering him, the blonde pulled out his cell phone and went into his voicemail. When he found the one he wanted, he put it on speaker and let the message fill the room.

"Spike," Buffy's voice suddenly filled the room, "Please help him."

Angel was on his feet before she'd even got the Brit's loving nickname out, sobering up real quick. "She called you?" he asked after it played. The plea the only thing it had said.

"Yes," Spike replied tightly. "She did."

Angel started pacing. "Why? Why did she call you, of all people? When? What time? Why the hell didn't you answer? What number did she call you from? Did you call her back? Did you talk to you? Any other messgaes? Are you having it traced?" he blurted out before stopping and trying to reach for the other man's phone.

Spike gave him a smack for that one. "Hands off, you ponce."

"What?"

"This," Spike said, shaking his phone, "Is not yours. That message? Was not for you. About you, yes... for you, no."

"Play it again."

"I was not finished. And no, I will not. You're lucky I did once, you didn't deserve it, and you sure as hell don't a second time," the Brit growled. "I did not answer when she called as I did not happen to have my phone on me at the time she had called me. That was all the message said and no there are no others. Buffy is smart enough to know that I will not enable you in helping to find her... not until and if she wants to be found. If that day should ever come. But even so, she's also smart enough to not use something easily trackable one would believe. Not that I have looked, nor do I plan to. As for why she called me?" Spike sighed. "The stupid bint still cares about you.. She knows I won't help you find her. But more importantly? Because the stupid love she has for you... with us being on the outs with one another, here she is trying to reel me back in to try help save you, so in a way trying to repair the damage done between you and I." Spike looked over the mess... the room, the girl he'd apparently been with before his arrival, the drugs, the everything... "Not that you deserve it," he added.

With that, Spike shot another look Angel's way then left the room.

OoOoO

"I'm sorry," Willow said softly, leaning her head down on her boyfriend's shoulder.

"What for?"

"Buffy didn't contact you."

Oz sighed. "I understand why she called Spike, I do. I understand why she didn't call us too along with him even. I just... I wish I knew she was alright."

Willow nodded softly. "Me too. If she were in trouble I think she would let us know though. Don't you?"

Oz took a moment. "Yeah. But doesn't mean I don't wish I knew first hand."

"I know."

OoOoO

Now You Wish That You'd Never Came  
'Cause Now You Know You'll Never Be The Same

Angel stood in the middle of the room, his entire body was shaking. "Please Will?" he whispered.

Spike clenched his jaw. He knew he shouldn't have come back in here.

Spike stare at the ceiling for a bit before coming back down, again looking at the wreck around him, then letting them land on his pathetic step-brother. "I should tell you to sod off."

"I know."

Spike would have too, if the moron hadn't raised his head, letting their eyes meet. Angel looked like a beaten puppy. Spike growled but did what the larger of the two wanted, replaying the voicemail message he'd received from his brother's lost love.

Angel let his gratitude toward his brother fill his eyes and then he let everything else in the world fall away as he listened to the few short words Buffy had left on the blonde's phone. The message was brief and to the point, only lasting a few short seconds, but right now it was everything in the world to him.

Angel let himself feel the rush from hearing her sweet voice again, knowing that wherever it was she was now at least she was alive... But at the same time, through his foggy haze, Angel did his best to study everything about it. From her voice, the tone, listening for any sounds in the background... And the emotion he found, it made his heart lurch. He knew she'd been crying and was trying to hold more back as she'd spoken. He could feel the fear behind it, almost as if it were his own. He knew the sadness, he knew the anger. It was Buffy, the one thing he knew better than anything in this world.

Angel found himself suddenly cold, freezing actually. His body began to shake, teeth chattering. He felt sick, dizzy... light headed. His entire soul hurt.

Angel missed her, more in this moment than he ever had. And right now, the guilt hit him more than ever before as well. From everything of their past, all the things he'd done to her to drive her away, to his more recent fuck ups.

Angel began throwing up. His body working with his mind to make himself sick, trying to rid the images. The drugs, the hurt, the booze...the women.

Angel threw up again and again.

OoOoO

Buffy's hand clamped over her mouth as she watched news clip after newsclip, unable to tear herself away. Every media outlet seemed to be going to town.

Buffy first heard about Angel's breakdown in the car. She'd rushed inside when she got to the apartment and flipped on the television before getting to the closest PC. She cursed and felt her body shaking as she watched in horror. She listened, read, watched... eyes darting from one thing to another. At the first photo of him, Buffy cried out. Angel was sickly pale... he looked to be in an angry daze. He was bruised up, bleeding.

From the news report and a number of sites, it seemed there wasn't too much information floating just yet over what had happened. At least not from what had transpired inside the building, before he'd gone outside... to where all the people, camera crew, and complete chaos resided. Just that when inside he'd snapped for some reason... that he'd been arguing with Spike, something had happened with Gunn... some saying they'd heard yelling, Angel talking to himself... They said it seemed that Angel had taken very ill and everyone was really worried about him, so worried they ended up calling for an ambulance and asked for a police escort for it as they knew there were photogs and the works waiting outside. Somewhere in-between that phone call and the ambulance's arrival, Angel had apparently snapped again, this time a more... violent one.

There were reports of him screaming and threatening everyone, including his own self, that he had completely trashed just about everything in his path. He'd torn at the walls, turned over furniture, smashed everything he could get his hands on. He'd threatened some girl, she didn't have to guess who she was in terms of why she'd been there. Apparently what got him outside was him dragging her, by her hair in some reports it said, down and out of the building. And it only got worse from there.

The girl, apparently still more on their shared high than he, didn't have the sense to back away after all of that and got in his face, flip-flopping between screaming at him in anger, baiting him with how pathetic she'd decided he was or trying to basically seduce him. And it just angered him on more. He unleashed a verbal holy hell on her, something Buffy timidly brought her mouse up to click and watch, his hands clenched in her shirt. When he finished, he let go, only to shove her back as far and as hard as he could. The video showed an angle of him, then her, then her again in slow motion as she flew backwards off the sidewalk and onto a car, her landing looking very, very painful. He didn't seem to notice or care.

Angel's attention left her as soon as his hands did and then he just began attacking everyone else. As far as anyone knew so far at this point there were a more extreme case of five members of the paparazzi, one went without saying, it was the real headline of this all in a lot of cases. Angel truly went ballistic on one guy, one moron who'd had the nerve to flat out continue to bait the currently crazed man, saying awful things about her, about her and Angel's relationship. And he paid for it. Angel jumped him, broke his camera... on the man himself, and just sent blow after crashing blow down on him. Buffy could hardly stand to watch, this was not the man she knew, who she loved, and it scared her, for every reason imaginable. She also felt the worst that she ever had in the other sense, in feeling sorry for him, guilty for leaving him to deal with this, hurt because he was hurting.

Members of both Angelus and Dingoes, and even another lead singer from a band she didn't catch along with some brave men from off the street had all come to pry Angel off of the photogo, all seemingly getting a beat down of their own for it. It seemed almost every last one of them had some war wound, some more than others. Gunn was said to have some broken ribs, a broken nose, Oz was bruised up, had a large scratch down the side of his face, his hands didn't look anywhere near their best, Spike had a blackened eye, if not two... it seemed to just go on and on.

The police and the ambulance had arrived, even a few more squad cars arrived a few minutes later given they'd been getting reports of the incident flooding in at the station. Angel had stopped fighting by then though, he was being held down by his beaten friends anyway just in case. He was back, lost in his own world, in his pain, in his regrets, his thoughts and memories. He didn't answer any of their questions, didn't acknowledge anyone's presence anymore. The EMT's cleaned them up, the police took statements, then after some arguing, Angel was lead tot he hospital where he would stay until they released him... then he'd be handed over to the police to deal with this mess.

"B?" Faith called out softly making Buffy jump. She'd been standing there watching everything with Buffy, though she'd mostly been watching her. Buffy turned and Faith felt a piece of her heart chip away, she looked at her friend sadly. "Are you okay?"

Buffy sniffled and shook her head.

That was expected. Faith sighed and looked back to the television screen for a moment. "Is he going to be okay?"

Buffy began sobbing uncontrollably again. "I don't know," she choked out.

Faith wasted no time crossing the floor over to Buffy, leaning down and putting her arms around her, trying to comfort her any way she could. When Buffy's breathing stopped coming out in harsh gasps, Faith leaned away and knelt down to the floor in front of her. "You should call someone," she told her softly. She knew it was dangerous, especially given Buffy had just called the Spike fellow not all that long before, but she knew she needed someone besides her.

Buffy shook her head. Then there was this spark flying into her eyes.

Faith grabbed her hand and shook her own head. "You can't go back there," she told her gently. "I know you want to, but you can't. He's not ready, you're not ready. But you do need to check on him."

Buffy knew she was right, but it didn't help too much at the moment.

OoOoO

An hour later Buffy finally decided she would attempt it at the very least. Faith had told her she'd be fine either way, giving the girl her privacy or she'd be right there holding her hand the whole time. Both sounded tempting, needed, but Buffy said she'd like to to this alone in the end.

She went to her bedroom and grabbed one of the burn phones she had tucked away then went back into the living room, needing open space, space to breath, something she wasn't doing very well but at least better than she had been an hours ago.

She tried her best to clean herself up, inside and out, then with a shaking hand she began fiddling with the small phone. She debated who to call, not that it was really a choice, but she worried about doing it. Though no one else was going to help put her mind at ease, if they even could.

"Hello," a very tired sounding voice came on the other end minutes later.

Buffy bit her lip. "Hey, Oz," she said softly.

The guitarist blew out a breath. "Buffy."

Buffy nodded to herself. "You can't ask me where I am, or to come back," she told him the rules upfront.

"Yeah, okay," he wasted no time in agreeing. "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I tell Willow?"

Buffy swallowed loudly. "I'm... I'm okay, I guess," she told him shakily. "Are you okay? I saw..."

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"And yes, you can tell Will by the way."

And he did a moment later. Buffy listened as he softly told his girlfriend and then her excited response. Buffy heard the redhead grabbing for his phone, saying she wanted to talk too, but he grabbed it back and repeated her rules. Willow tried to argue but eventually relented when Oz took a more stern tone and repeated himself.

"Buffy?"

She smiled. "Hey, Wills. How are you?"

"I'm good, I miss you. We all miss you. Are you okay?"

"I'm hanging in there. I miss you guys too. I'm sorry I haven't be able to..."

"No, it's fine. Well, it's not exactly, you know, but we understand. We've been worried about you."

"I know. And I'm so sorry. For everything."

"It's okay, Buffy," Willow sniffled. "We're just really happy to hear you're doing well."

Buffy tried to choke down a sob before replying but Oz's voice returned.

"Hey."

"Hey," she croaked out.

"You saw the madness from earlier I take it?"

"Yeah, I did."

"And what's been... uh... going on?"

Buffy could tell he winced at that. "Yes. I've seen and heard about it."

"I'm sorry. He is too you know. He really is."

Buffy closed her eyes, pushing out warm tears huddling together in there. "Is he..."

Oz sighed. "They're still doing some tests on him, wanting to make sure it wasn't something serious that made him... whatever." A silence fell between them for a long moment. "He heard your message from Spike," he said softly, "So I'm thinking that's all it was, that and the drugs you know, but they're wanting to make sure it wasn't... you know, something more."

Buffy let all of that information and her own thoughts beyond it sink in. "How much trouble is he in?"

"Uh... not entirely sure right now, but I don't think it's going to be very pretty. He did a number on the one guy. I'm hoping at the very least they force him to stay in rehab, though I think at this point I'd take jail if need be. He's a mess right now, Buf. And I'm not saying that to guilt you or anything like that, I'm just telling you because you should know."

"I want to come home. I want to come home so bad, Oz," she whispered. "But I know that I can't. Not yet. Nothing would change if I did right now," Earlier she'd had a moment where she forgot this and wanted to run out of here, Faith had seen it and brought her back down. "Not even after this, not yet. He still has a long way to go, a long way to even start, and until he truly does... I can't."

"I know," Oz sighed again. "I just wish..."

"I do, too."

They talked, them plus Willow here and there, for about another half hour before Buffy said she probably need to go.

"You want me to tell him anything? Tell him you even called or..."

Buffy took a deep breath, thinking it over. "Just... could you tell him I love him and I'm sorry? To please take care of himself?"

"Yeah. I think I can handle that."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. You know if you need anything, you just let any of us know. We'll always be there for you."

"I know. I'm doing okay though."


	6. Chapter Six

_**My Soul Is Hurting** _   
_**And I Know, I Cause My Own Disgrace** _   
_**My Eyes Are Blurring** _   
_**And I Strain To See Beyond This Place** _

Lindsey McDonald had a big ol' grin on his face as he came to stand in front of the dirty, smelly cage currently holding Angel captive. He was sure it was more from the lead singer than the cell itself. "You, my friend, officially owe me the biggest goddamn raise in the history of time."

Angel barely heard him, barely realized he was in his presence. Hell, at this point he could hardly even recognize anything going on around him.

Angel's body was in a tight ball, but he was sitting up again. It hurt, but no matter what he did he was in pain. He could no longer even grasp the concept of trying to figure out how long it had been going on or what exactly was happening to him. His body rocked back and forth, shaking violently, his teeth chattering. He was both freezing and burning up, feeling sick, which he'd gotten more times than he could count. From the room, to outside in the scuffle, the hospital and everywhere between there and here. And the disgusting evidence of such was still in the cell with him, no one having clean it up. Not that Angel noticed or minded anyway. He could vaguely remember some poor fellow having to come in here with him, attempt to clean him off as apparently he was cover in blood and urine, sweat and sickness, dirt and who knew what else. He'd been washed down some, had his clothing changed and been forced to eat and drink something he thought... but it was all hazy. And it seemed like it was days, maybe even weeks, if not longer, ago.

The grin on the lawyers face had long been forgotten, now it was covered in disgust, sadness and empathy. "You look like shit," he commented. 'Smell like it, too,' he added silently, wrinkling his nose. "Angel?"

Angel's shifty eyes landed on him but Lindsey wasn't sure that actually meant anything.

"We're taking you home, alright?" he said softly. "They're taking care of the last few details right now then..."

Angel's head began to shake from side to side. "N...no," he managed to grit out, after several tries.

Lindsey's forehead crinkled up. "No?" he questioned. "What do you mean 'no?' And stop scratching at your arms," he added, flinching at the sight of Angel's flesh, all raw, scratched up and bloody. Gross.

Angel stopped almost all movement for a moment, his eyes looking down. He hadn't even noticed. Then, as fast as he'd stopped, his body returned to its previous state.

"Angel?"

"Ca..can't lea..leave," he forced out.

"Yes, you..."

Angel's head shaking crazily cut him off once more. "Clean. N...need...clean."

Lindsey closed his eyes and sighed. He knew what he meant. If they let him out of here, he knew he'd just go out and find the closest 'pain reliever' and who knew what would happen then.

Lindsey took a step closer to the bars. "Tomorrow you are going to rehab. And before you start, I mean serious rehab. Rehab where they strap you to a table while you ride this shit out type of joint, not the pansy ass places they've been dropping you off at who just let you come and go as you please and haven't done a thing for you." The lawyer saw a hidden spark flare up in the glossy brown eyes of his friend, both of hope and of fear. "They'll take care of you there, Angel. Not this broken shit," he grumbled, ready to go off into a rant of his views of prison related "detox systems."

He didn't get the chance to however as company came to join them.

Angel did his best to concentrate, to watch Lindsey speak with a few other suits and a guard he thought he recognized. "Linds."

"Yeah?"

"No."

"Angel. You're free to leave. You're free to go... take a shower, clean up, eat, sleep... be out of this dump for the night..."

Angel shook his head. "Can't. Need... s..s...stay here."

Lindsey sighed and tried to argue with him, promising to keep him safe for over twenty some minutes before giving up. "I'll see you in the morning, alright?"

Angel nodded.

OoOoO

Angel didn't remember if that had ended up being true, but he figured it probably was and he had. He really had no idea what had happened to him after that. He couldn't recall the rest of that evening, the moring, leaving the cell, how he got here... much of anything. However, he did seem to have a brief memory in there of random things on the walls though he couldn't make out exactly what they were supposed to be, a cluttered desk, people standing around him, him throwing up on an assumed nurse... then... well, pretty much nothing. Bits and pieces from brief, not very lucid moments since then were here and there but for the most part nothing. He found himself more or less familiar with the sight of the walls surrounding him though, the ceiling, an IV bag to the side of him. He could remember more nurses coming and going, though not very well, he couldn't make out a single one of their faces. He remembered sounds, feelings... none of them good, being sick and in so much pain he was wishing for death... but everything was just... a jumble, fuzzy and not making all that much sense right now.

"Are you awake?"

With enormous effort, Angel turned his head slightly. It was the second time this strange woman had asked this, that he could recall anyhow. He looked at her for a moment. When he tried to swallow so he could speak, tears actually came springing to his eyes from the pain.

"Sorry about that, here," she said, popping up and reaching off to where he couldn't see. A few short seconds later there was a small cup in her hands and in his line of sight. She put a small straw inside then came to help him with it. "Slow, easy sips," she said softly, rubbing his hair as he coughed and choked. "How are you feeling?" she asked once he'd had enough, for now.

Angel just made some noise as his response.

She smiled softly. "Understandable. How about we take those off?" she said, pointing to his wrists. Moving back off the bed, she stood and crouched over him, unlocking his cuffs from his wrists then his feet. "I wouldn't try to move just yet though," she advised. "I'm Jenny, by the way."

He coughed again, then swallowed very painfully. "Angel," he said in turn, his voice very scratchy, sore, foreign.

She smiled. "I know who you are."

His eyes closed and he attempted to nod. "I'll bet."

Her smile widened.

OoOoO

"So. How are we doing today?"

Angel was sitting up on his small but comfortable enough detox used bed. His body was slouched and even the upper half of him was hanging off to the side. When Jenny took her seat, he groaned, pulling himself right back up. "Have you ever done drugs?"

She surprised him with a chuckle and then a nod. "Actually, I have."

He blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Well, okay, have you ever had one of those... you're floating, everything around you is cloudy, tilted, seemingly far away and yet like you could reach out and touch it... if that makes any kind of sense?"

She chuckled again. "I believe I know where you're going, yes."

"I kind of feel like that. But without the fun."

She was silent for a moment, watching him. "You're shaking less."

He nodded.

"Still in pain?"

He nodded again.

"How bad?"

He shrugged. "Bad. Beyond bad. Beyond imagination. But less... than it was," he answered truthfully.

She nodded, writing something quickly down in her notebook. "You know we can help. You weren't ready to just quit like that, cold turkey."

He sighed. "You have the power to force it."

"It's your decision, Angel."

"And I made it."

Jenny sighed, clicking her pen a few times. "You may think we've gotten you through the worst of it, and truthfully, in some ways, some ways not all, we have, but you're still a long way from where you need to be. You can do this more gradually, less painfully. Not pain free, but less painfully. You don't have to keep punishing yourself."

Angel looked away. They'd already had this conversation.

Sometimes she pushed him, sometimes she didn't. Sometimes he'd go with her, sometimes he'd yell, sometimes he'd just shut down. Today she wasn't pushing the subject though. "How do you feel about getting a new room today?"

"I don't even know what today is."

She patted his hand.

OoOoO

Angel was nervous as he took a seat.

He'd refused and avoided to do this for several weeks now.

He was calmer now, again, but he really hadn't been there for awhile. They'd been hard, long, and he'd been crazy and erratic. He twitched, wondering how to apologize, how to act, what to say, what to do.

Swallowing, he looked around the room before randomly picking up one of the magazines laid out on one of the small side tables.

OoOoO

"You know, you're not what I expected."

Angel tilted his head slightly. "Oh?"

Jenny smiled a little, her hand coming up to the arm rest, her chin resting on top of her knuckles. "Well, you were. Over the past several weeks, you were. Those bad days, bad moments you've had here and there, sure. That was expected and saw coming, but I don't know. This... this real you, it's nice. Better than I was imagining."

"I thought you knew all about me."

She smiled again. "Hmm. True. Maybe we just all forgot," she said, a little sadly.

He nodded, his eyes lowering back down to the page he'd left the magazine open to for a moment. "Well, this place isn't exactly what I imagined."

"Oh?" she teased with her response.

He chuckled, feeling his anxiousness fall away little by little. "Never been to a rehab quite like this what you've got here. And let me tell you, I've been to plenty."

"I've never had a patient quite like you before," she countered. "And, I've head... well, I suppose I can say plenty, too."

He paused for a moment. "I'm not sure how to take that."

She laughed softly before leaning forward to pat his knee. "I've never had a patient sitting around reading a magazine that they were on the cover of," she clarified.

His hands kept the page but he brought the cover back down over it to check it out. He hadn't even notice. "Huh. How about that."

Jenny smiled. "Yeah. How about that."

He studied the still fairly glossed cover before letting it fall back open. "So, you're saying you don't get too many celebrities around here?"

Jenny shook her head. "You guys usually head off to somewhere like Betty Ford, Crossroads, Promises..."

He smiled. "Or get shipped off to Utah?"

"Or get shipped off to Utah."

"I like it here though," Angel said after a quick moment of silence fell between them. He began to finally apologize for his behavior, but she cut him off before he got too deep into it.

"That must be one interesting article."

"Huh?"

She nodded toward the spread out magazine in his lap. "You've been staring at that page since before I even walked in here."

Angel's eyes looked down. "Right," he said quietly.

She waited for another pause. "Going to share what it's about? And I do hope it's not the big story that's about you or something."

Angel blushed a little. Looking up, Jenny raised an eyebrow and he shook his head before lifting the slick bundle of pages up and handing it over.

At the very first tiny glimpse, Jenny knew what he'd been staring at. She watched as his eyes remained on the page as he lifted it toward her, the look on his face, the way his hands trembled. "Thank you," she said softly, taking it from him. Jenny flipped it around and placed it in her own lap, looking over the two pages. There was a continuation of the story of Angel and his band taking up the better part of one of the sides but she knew that hadn't been what his focus had been on.

No, instead it was the gathering of several photos cluttering around the words and overflooding the opposing side. In truth, there were several of the band members, even a few tiny ones of some of their lucky fans, but the majority were of their devilishly handsome lead singer, Buffy, or, more importantly, the two of them together. After all, that is what truly sold these things.

"That's a fairly old publication," Angel said nervously. "Should really update your stash."

Jenny smiled, her hand smoothing over some of the photos on the page. "Do you want to talk about her? About Buffy?"

He looked away. The last time he'd tried that... he'd already been feeling horrible enough with his withdrawl and everything... then he tried... and well, it had lead to a few hellish weeks around here. Angel took a deep breath. "No. Not yet."

Jenny smiled. "That'sperfectly fine, Angel. You will when you're ready. And I'll be here to listen."

He nodded, looking down.


	7. Chapter Seven

Realizing that she just was not going to be getting any sleep any time soon, Buffy sighed and opened her tired eyes to her pitch-black room. Instead of just turning her head, her hand reached out to fumble even more blindly until she felt the familiar shape of her alarm block. Buffy brought it up to her face and she squinted as she read the neon numbers, then sighed again.

Next she cursed and then laughed as she'd lost her grip on the heap of plastic, which fell on her head. After setting it off to the side, Buffy sat up in the middle of her too-large bed for a long moment. She knew she needed sleep, she had to be up early tomorrow, and that's exactly why she was unable to find her way off to dreamland.

Stumbling out her bed, Buffy began padding across the floor of her bedroom, out and toward the living room. She flipped on the television, hurrying to set the volume as low as it could possibly go while still being able to hear it well enough, then flipped until she found what station she was after. Her eyes squinted from the bright and currently painful bright colors flashing from the set into the room. There was a light on in the kitchen, one that hung under some of the cabinets and shone down on the counter below, but it wasn't enough at the moment. She sighed, clutching the remote, looking toward the dim light in the other room, contemplating a quick snack but she really wasn't hungry so decided against it in the end.

Stretching for a moment, Buffy made her way over the sofa and plopped down. Her hands reached for several throw pillows to pile under her head and the small blanket folded over the back and made herself comfortable.

Buffy's hand remained clutched loosely around the grey-colored remote, her eyes blinking slowly as she watched. There were less commercials, thankfully, due to the hour but when they'd come she'd flip to some of the other similar networks in search for late night music entertainment. Buffy's mouth moved silently along with song after song, familiar with a good majority of them.

She remembered that this was how she had first seen Angel. She knew their music from the radio but one late night she was up watching videos like this and suddenly... there Angelus was.

She'd recognized the song right off. The first chords, that familiar voice in the first few seconds of the song that had been in her head for the past several days. She found herself smiling as she sang silently along to the smooth male voice, reading the white letters of information in the left corner before it faded out. Then the video began.

First with a quick view of an empty, brown, dirty looking but not really warehouse, then with a few flash of lights that didn't exactly scream glam but were show-y in their own way, that came with and went along with the drum beat for a few seconds. Then there was the band, through the flashes, now filling the room. The camera panned around, showing the outlines of the members. Then the first words came. Along with a close-up of the singer.

Buffy's eyes widened and she felt her pulse quicken considerably as she drooled at the screen. She felt hot tingles in her core as he sang to the camera. That god-like handsome face, messy hair, ripped up clothing covering one heck of a body... Yum. Dark, haunting, chocolate eyes seemed to meet her own, piercing through her. His head tilted slightly to the side, and she could have squealed, and then been forever embarrassed by it. But, it almost happened.

The video was rather simple, lights, the room, the band playing. For the most part they stayed in close-up on him, thank God, but the band was certainly included, as a whole and their own individual shots. They also had many outline views panning around similar to the opener. She did enjoy looking at that pretty face but something about those dark outlines got her too, probably due to the microphone cord, something about the look of it... bulging around his impressive arm then snaking down around him and to the ground... who knew. In any event, she enjoyed the three and a half minutes, give or take, video.

And how she had gone from that young girl drooling over her television set to what she'd become with Angel was still hard to wrap her head around.

OoOoO

Looking up from his notebook, Angel glanced over his shoulder. His eyes squinted a bit and he adjusted his baseball cap. There was a lot of noise coming from over there. Not that there wasn't anyway, but he figured something new must be up.

The large group of paps and press and what have you seemed to double every day. He himself didn't mind so much, this was pretty much part of his life. He'd gotten angry and annoyed a number of times but for the most part it was just something that was and wasn't that big of a deal. But this, here... this wasn't just about him, there were other patients here, patients not used to this aspect being in their own lives. And not just them, but the whole town had him and all that came with him taking over. Thankfully nothing too drastic had happened so far, least none he knew about. He'd been more stressed about it earlier on, now... it still wasn't all that great but everyone had gone out of their way to put him at ease about the issue.

Looking back toward the thick notebook in his lap, Angel twirled his pen around in his hand, trying to concentrate.

OoOoO

The photos and video clips were shown later that evening during a newscast on the station the television mounted behind Buffy's head was turned to. She'd tried her best to be casual about stealing many glances over her shoulder but she was interested to see. He was getting better day by day and she was beyond happy to see the evidence of that.

Near the end of the segment she found herself mentioned, the silver-haired male of the pair calling her out in a jokingly manner, making a quip about the wonderment of her return. She didn't care though, she was just happy to see signs of the latest improvement for Angel and his life.

Later when she was driving home, the radio jocks were discussing him as well, and her too. Though it turned out to be harder to listen to. It felt like a swift kick in the gut to have them voice outloud thoughts and fears she'd come to have. Things like what if she and Angel were truly over, what if he didn't want her anymore, what if he'd only been with her because of the lifestyle and what if now that he was living clean now that he regretted it or now he just didn't care, what if he used this time to get over her, what if he hated her...

It was a battle of two sides raging within her with these thoughts. One hand saying she was being ridiculous, that this was her and Angel, that nothing would ever tear them apart, not even this... but on the other hand, which seemed to be taking the lead or at least working it's way to it by the day, couldn't help but worry.

OoOoO

The longer he was clean, the more Angel missed her. He wouldn't have thought such was possible, but it was very much true. And how he missed Buffy with every fiber of his being.

He was slowing opening up to Jenny about her... about a lot of things. His past, his fame, his life... his friends, the band, Buffy... the drinking, the drugs... everything. He'd recently told her about his first "night" with Buffy and since then had regretted it badly as now he had that on his mind constantly. That was certainly something he missed, sex... sex with her.

He was trying to focus on other things... like having started writing again... music and a lot of apology letters, plus a journal for his time in there. He had shunned visitors as first but now he was happy for company from time to time. He was slowly fixing things and it was starting to show.

He'd tried writing out his feelings for her but all he ended up with was staring at blank pages. When it came to Buffy, Angel knew everything he needed to say he had to in person. Given he ever had the chance.

Nights though, for sure, were the worst for Angel. Living with a hard on during the day was no comparison to the emptiness he felt while laying down for bed. He missed everything about her.

Everything.

But this was by far the worst of it, not having her there in his arms next to him, to go to bed holding, to wake up next to, his arms still around her, her body curled up next to him, the scent of her driving him crazy.

Jenny had been dancing around bringing up the question of what would happen if Buffy didn't come back, what would happen then, how would he feel, so on and so forth.

He honestly didn't know. He didn't want to think about it either, every time he did, even for a second, he felt sick. It was quite obvious to everyone and their mother that he had no idea of how to live without her. And he didn't think he would want to.

That wasn't the answer he wanted to give, not the answer anyone wanted to hear, but it was all he knew to be true. She was his life, his everything. And he had no idea how to even imagine never having her in his life again. He knew it was something he was probably facing, but that didn't mean he could fathom wrapping his head around.

 


	8. Chapter Eight

Liam Angelus had been in rehab for ninety three days when Jenny Calendar finally felt able to tell him it was "safe" to leave the center, go home, and return to his life.

She wasn't a bit surprised by his reaction to this news though. No jumping for joy, a smile that looked to break his face... no, there was hints of a smile, hints of happiness... but there was also fear... and more so, there was sadness.

"Are you sure?" he asked after taking some time to let the news sink in.

"Yes, I'm sure."

He was silent for a long while. "What if I'm not ready?" he asked quietly.

She smiled softly. "Well, I'm not going to kick you out. I'm just telling you from my side of things and what I see."

Angel nodded, running his hands down his jean covered thighs.

OoOoO

"Can you go tell Jenny you're in love her already," Angel called out entering the room, "and get her focus off of trying to get rid of me."

Rupert Giles turned his head and slightly blushed. "I don't believe I have any idea what you are talking about."

Angel smirked, coming closer to the older man in the room and taking a seat beside him. "Yeah, sure you don't."

Giles smiled. "Gave you the go ahead, huh?"

Angel nodded. "Yeah."

"Don't get too excited or anything over there."

Angel turned his head towards a smiling Riley Finn. "I am." He paused. "And I'm not."

Giles patted his shoulder. "You'll be alright. It's me I'm worried about! Now I have to find a new singer!"

Angel chuckled. He was going to miss this.

OoOoO

Rupert Giles had entered the center on the start of Angel's second first he thought it was Jenny or someone's doing once he found out a bit about the other man, but turned out it was more just luck that made such a thing happen.

Giles was old enough to be his father... and at times acted as if he were... but they become good friends in here. Giles was also a musician, though far less known. Overseas he and his band from ages ago, Ripper, had some hits but from hat point on it had mostly just been something he did on the side for fun. There was denying he had talent though.

Angel had remained pretty much closed off until his arrival. After the detox and all.

One night, ol' Ripper had taken to the stage in one of the closer entertainment areas and peeked Angel's interest into getting to know someone else in here.

Angel had spent very little time in the music area, and only would when he could at least attempt to be alone in there, but he had floated through here and there for other events too. Sometimes they'd have some sort of contest or show put on by the staff or patients, or just someone messing around. But he became a regular with a little push from Giles... and later Riley as well.

Riley was another new member of the rehab club and for most anyone was a surprising choice. But everyone has their demons he supposed.

Before long, you had to tear the guys apart and kick them off the stage and out of the room as that was all they wanted to do. Finn wasn't so naturally blessed with talent as the two of them but he could handle drums well enough to get through something. And they started jamming out, joining in on things, helping out others with it too.

Before long, Angel was actually somewhat enjoying things again. He liked talking to people around him, hearing their stories, trying to help. He loved making music again, being on even a makeshift stage making people happy. He liked teaching and being there for whoever. He was happy on the fact he was getting better, that he was opening up to people, getting advise his own self. And not just things with the center, his relationships with his friends and family were getting better, some bridges that'd been aflame being rebuilt little by little. The band was back on, in theory, for once he got well enough and they figured things out once he got out of there and all. He'd apologized to most everyone he felt he needed to, on a personal level at least.

He just hoped he could continue down the right path outside of these walls.

OoOoO

It'd been more or less six months since Buffy had taken off and Angel still had no idea where she was or if she was ever going to come back. She had passed very short, very few messages on through those close to him. And she'd written him... once. No return address on it, no name... just a blank folded card... other than her writing stating "I miss you," and underneath that, "and I am so very proud of you, Angel."

He'd gotten it just a week and a half ago and it still made his heart skip when he looked at it or even thought of it. He about had a heart attack when he'd seen even the envelope and saw her scroll on it.

Every single second he still missed and craved her. Any moment something else wasn't pressing on him or he wasn't caught up in whatever, his thoughts remained on her. On the past, things he'd done wrong, things he had done right. An endless amount of what if's. He thought about where she might be, what she was doing, how she felt, if she was still in love with him, if she had moved on. He thought about what he wanted to say to her, what he would do if he saw her again. Thought about what he wanted with her, with the rest of his life.

OoOoO

_**We're Almost There Now** _   
_**I See Home, And It's Just Around The Bend** _

With a loud sigh, Angel decided he should probably start making his arrangements for going home. He wasn't ready just yet, not in this particular moment, but he hoped he'd get there soon. So he was going to start letting people know and get things ready for when he was going to say goodbye here.

There was going to be quite a number of things he'd have waiting for him, he was sure of. Personal and professional.

That was another thing he was going to have to start thinking and planning for. Lovely press tour and things of that nature. It was safe to say he didn't have to jump right into it as soon as he stepped outside, but he knew before long he'd be giving speeches, writing letters and press releases, doing interviews.

And hopefully, not before too long, even better than that and for much better reasons to. He was ready to get back to doing what he loved.

When he was ready anyhow.

He was enjoying music again, writing again, and excited for thinking about being with his band, his friends, his fans again. He couldn't wait to get back in the studio, back on stages. But he knew it was all going to be taken care of in proper time as he went along.

It was something to look forward to though.

OoOoO

"Angel," Willow said wearily into the phone, looking around Angel's house a few days later. "Buffy's things are still here, you know..."

He sighed. "Yeah."

She'd only taken what she needed and could carry he supposed. The rest of her things were still in their house... well, there were things of hers in all of their and his homes... on the tour bus, mixed in with his things, ect.

"Um, well, do you want me to get rid of it or I mean put it away somewhere or something?"

He was silent for a long while, thinking. "No," he spoke softly. "For now, just leave things as they are Will, please."

"Okay, not a problem. Everything should be set here by the time you're ready to come on home."

"That's great, thanks again for everything, Willow."

She beamed. "You know I'm always here for you. I will warn you, you have a mountain of unwanteds camped outside your house. And probably have and will be."

"Not surprising."

"Probably not. Just letting you know!"

OoOoO

Angel let out a deep breath and jumped on the stage. He greeted the crowd in one extravagant way after the next then smiled, grabbing up his microphone. It'd been nearly two weeks since Jenny had given him the go ahead and he decided to announce to everyone that tonight would be his final show for them, that he would be heading home in the next few days.

And with that, he introduced Giles and Finn, and they started their session off with The Black Crows' "Hard To Handle," the first song they'd debuted together with. It seemed fitting enough.

He had a lot to worry about, but for right now... he was just going to have a little bit of fun.

OoOoO

_**If We Could Fly Away** _

_**To A Place Where There's No Yesterday** _   
_**Maybe We'll Find A Way** _   
_**To Erase The Marks Of All This Pain** _

Surprisingly, they had managed to keep his release under wraps until it happened. Angel watched the insanity begin with those who'd been camped outside the center... though he still found himself a little off guard by the massive hoard of people outside his home once they finally got there. Of course, there had been a few hours in between his exit and return home so news had traveled fast.

It was petty surreal for him to be out, back into the world. He'd smiled for some pictures along the long journey here and there, answered a few brief questions that were shouted at him... mostly of if he was doing alright, glad to be going home, and joked around a bit.

When he finally arrived back at his main house, where he considered to be "home", there was quite a massive group by the gates and surrounding. Photgos, news reporters, fans, the works. Inside the gate, his drive was filled with various vehicles to some of his friends, there to help welcome him back and congratulate him on his release, his progress.

OoOoO

It hadn't been a huge gathering, just his closer friends, and nothing crazy or extreme going on. It was nice. He hugged and thanked each person for being there, laughed, shared stories, had a nice time.

It was hours later when most of the group started calling it a night, promising to see him later, saying to call or stop by if he needed anything, ect. He knew his brother, at least, was planning to stay the night so he paid no mind to him making himself comfortable.

"Man, I do hate to do this to ya," he heard Oz say, coming up beside him.

Angel smiled. "Not an issue, my friend," he assured. "You guys got a show to do in a number of hours, need that beauty rest," he joked.

Oz yawned and smiled. "You gonna be alright?"

Angel took a sip of his cup of Coke and looked towards Spike on the sofa playing video games. "Yeah, I think so. Going to be hard for awhile, adjusting and all. But I'll get there." He turned back to the guitarist. "Thank you, for everything," he said sincerely.

Oz nodded and the guys shared a quick hug as Willow strolled up. She chimed in with making sure he would be alright, letting him know just to give them a shout if he needed something, setting up plans to get together again.

Finally getting them to the door, Willow gave him a big hug, one of many from the day, and whispered "She'll be back."

Angel felt the kick in the gut that he'd felt various times already tonight. "I hope so, Will," he replied quietly.

"She will."

OoOoO

It was hard being home, in their home, without her... but as everyone went home it was hitting him harder by the minute. Her things were here but her presence was overwhelming beyond that. This was turned into a home by her, she made it more than a house, made it what it was. Things she'd brought, things she'd gotten him were everywhere. Pictures of her, of them everywhere. It smelled like her, felt like her. Her arrangement of the furniture, her choices had colored the walls, everything. And at every inch of this place were a collection of memories of her. Good and bad, everywhere.

"You alright?" Angel heard Spike call out.

He sighed, ran his hands down his face and started towards his brother to take a seat. "I'm as good as I can be right now."

Spike nodded, flipped through some television stations idly.

The two sat there in silence for several minutes before it all got to be too much for Angel and he rushed to the closest bathroom to get sick.

OoOoO

**_I Know We're Not The Same And_ **   
**_I Know That People Change And_ **   
**_I Know You're Gonna Find Out_ **   
**_What Life's All About, Yeah_ **   
**_I Know That Better Days Are_ **   
**_They're Gonna Come My Way_ **

As the days went on, Angel found himself slowly getting back to his life. Little by little. He saw and spoke with friends, got in touch with people he needed to, went to meetings. For the most part he was staying home as much as he could, even with as hard as that was, but he made it out into the real world here and there. He spoke with his followers and fans, signed autographs and took pictures, did his best to go on with life.

He knew he had a long road ahead of him, a lot of unsure things in his life at the moment, but he was trying.

OoOoO

Buffy had been at work when the news had come out about Angel leaving the rehab center. And even with it being almost a week since, she could barely wrap her head around it. And she still had no idea what to do with it.

She had picked up the phone to call someone, to call him even more than a few times, but could never seem to go through with it. Too afraid of what she might find out. So instead, she just got the news on how he seemed everywhere else. He wasn't showing up "in his own words" yet... no interviews so far, but it wouldn't be long until it happened.

OoOoO

"You girls sure are into him aren't you?"

Buffy and Faith jumped and turned around to see Graham in the doorway. They both blushed, caught again for searching for any news on Angel.

"You really shouldn't leave your door open if you don't want to be caught in the middle of something embarrassing," he joked on.

Again, the girls blushed but Faith overcame it quickly and began steering the meet and greet in another direction with their buddy over the past few months. Buffy glanced at the headlines on the computer scree before joining in. Everything else would have to wait.

Smiling, she got up and headed toward the other two, joining on on the new conversation at hand.

OoOoO

The three of them hung around the apartment for a bit before decided to go grab a bite to eat then go out to a bar they'd been getting more accustom to lately. It was a nice break from life for awhile but Buffy still excused herself earlier than the other two in order to go on back home.

There she was able to browse around for any of the latest news, sit around and contemplate, and worry some more. She was sure that she missed him more than ever right now, these past few days when he was back into the world and looked like he was doing so well. Part of her so badly wanted to just pack up and go right now, but the other part of her both worried on making sure he would stick to this, not go through everything only to fall back into old habits soon after his release, then the other side still unsure on the two of them or his feelings toward her now.

Buffy couldn't seem to shake the fear that all he would see now was her abandoning him, all their issues without the cloud there, see that maybe those wern't his true feelings after all and it was all one big mistake to him looking back.

OoOoO

_**I Hear Every Word That You're Trying To Say** _   
_**Well Maybe, It's Not Okay** _   
_**And I See Everything That You're Trying To Do** _   
_**But Baby, I Still Know The Truth** _

Little did she know, Angel himself had similar worries quite often. And also some similar habits.

Angel knew better, but couldn't seem to help himself when it came to still searching for her or at least any information about his love. He wasn't acting hellbent as he did before but by no means had he dropped the issue. He knew it would be best to let her come around... if she did... when she was ready but that didn't make his life any easier at the moment.

Angel also had such of a dread in his heart and soul over the endless possibilities there could be. Such as the horror of if Buffy really did never come back, that she was just gone and that was that. That she was done with him, done with them. Or the idea that she would finally contact him or see him but bring bad news along with her. To tell him she had moved on during this time or that she just had no interest in their relationship anymore. Afraid that he'd ruined everything for good. That someone else either was or could be everything she had needed him to be and that he failed so horribly on.

Angel was terrified he was too late on getting his act right for her.

When the floods hit him, it was the biggest struggle not to go out and make the pain just go away for awhile. But he was holding strong.

OoOoO

Buffy was already in her pj's and sitting around watching a movie when Faith strolled in finally, the goofy daze on her face she'd been prone to having lately anytime she spent some time or even thought about a certain tall, blonde man they both knew.

Buffy rolled her eyes and waited for the wild child to join her. "When are you two just going to get together already?"

Faith smiled and grabbed a handful of Buffy's chips. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Uh huh. Sure you don't. You all practically mate on the dance floor, make googley eyes at each other anytime you're together, flirt unconditionally... must I go on?"

Faith rolled her eyes. "Please don't."

Buffy laughed. "So?"

Faith threw another handful of chips in and shrugged. "We're seeing what happens. But let me tell you, I better be seeing that man's naked body and soon before my own decides to explode!"

OoOoO

Graham had a similar look on his face as he made it back to his own room, though he had no one to share it with or tease him about. Instead he was alone, undressing as he went through his place, grabbing up a cup of water and a piece of pie the girls had given him days before that he just hadn't gotten around to.

By the first bite he was both wishing he had earlier and grateful it was here now.

That was a little tid bit he had never know before about the girl known to the world as Buffy Summers, of how great of a cook she was. But he knew now and was thankful for it.

Rubbing his eyes, Graham picked up his phone to call his client and lie about not knowing where the former blonde was. Once again, not a word being shared that he knew Beth and Buffy were one in the same and he knew exactly where she was and where she had been.

After the call, he went to wash his plate, smiling as he thought about the other dark haired woman in the mix of all of this. It sure hadn't been in his plans and possibly not in his best interest to be head over heels for her, but what could he really do?

  
  



	9. Chapter Nine

Another month came and went. Followed by another. And here he was about midway through an additional once since Buffy had left him, since he'd gotten his life back on the right path. He was losing hope more every day, but trying to hold on... it just wasn't easy. There were times it was taking all out of him not to let his inner demons win out again, other times he was so caught up and distracted in what else was going on around him... but it was still hard. He tried to put his best foot forward though, enjoy things despite his heart break.

Work helped with that. Getting back to his life, but in a better sense than before, helped. Angel had made a lot of amends with those around him and was still doing everything to stay on the right path with going to meetings, talking things out, calling for help when he needed it. He was back to work with going to meetings with their team, the band, their label, ect. He had done a few photoshoots and gone to some appearances yet no real interviews yet. But he did have one coming up on him that he had finally agreed to. And after one, there were more to follow.

He was getting out of the house more... even if just going to lunch with someone, heading to the gym, or just out and about shopping, back to playing around with the photogs who were around a few times, stopping to talk with fans or sign autographs or take pictures and whathaveyou. He'd made a few appearances at events, an opening here, show here, celebration there.

It wasn't the same though. Not without her.

The biggest, most exciting thing that had happened so far however, was going into the studio with the boys to play around. Some folks in management had gotten their hands on some of it and liked it, so much so they were already wanting to put a single out.

As long as they all okayed such, of course.

Knowing what all that meant, Angel had given some pause on the idea at first. The guys were supportive either way, but voiced their opinions on it. He had a few meetings about everything, but did eventually agree. He was both excited for it but highly nervous all the same.

And then, before he knew it, the song was finished and release to radio and online. They had digital sales plus actual copies put out for the song that also included an acoustic version of the new single as well as one of their previous release as well.

With that... had to come promotion.

OoOoO

I Don't Want To Be The Fear That You're Hiding From  
Well Maybe, I Could Still Be The One

"So, Angel," the interviewer continued after the latest commercial break. She smiled as she spoke. "Let's talk about the elephant in the room for a moment."

Angel returned her smile with a nervous one of his own, slightly shifting his seat.

"What is going on with you and Buffy Summers? Have you heard from her? Do you have any idea where she has been?"

He sighed, shifting more. "Um, I sort of heard from her... indirectly..." he replied, looking around. "I don't know where she is or where she's been," he answered. "I wish I did though," he said a little more quietly. He hadn't meant to say that part outloud but it happened.

"What do you mean? Indirectly?"

"She... she's spoke with people we have in common a few times on the phone... um, had passed a brief message a time or two through then... sent me something while I was still in rehab..."

"But you haven't seen her, is that correct?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

The woman interviewing him leaned forward just so. "What would you say to her if you did? If she was here today?"

He let out a big ball of air on that one. "You know, I keep trying to figure that out, to put it together. I just can't ever seem to get it right. Then again, how does one apologize for all the things I did to the person they love? For all the things I put her through?" he said softly.

The woman nodded sympathetically. "So you are, still in love with her that is?"

"For the rest of my life," he replied truthfully.

She smiled. "This had to have been tough for you, her not being around through everything these past several months?"

She smiled. "This had to have been tough for you, her not being around through everything these past several months?"

More shifting. "Yeah, but I understand. It just got to that point for me, for her. I hate that it came down to being that way, but I do believe she was right in her actions. She was right on a lot of things," he sad sadly and swallowed a few times. "It gave me the push I needed, I just... wish a lot of things hadn't gone as far as they did. But I understand it."

"Do you think you two will get back together?" she asked after a moment.

He looked pained at the question. So much so the lady began to even apologize for bringing it up. But he closed his eyes for a moment before answering anyhow. "I honestly don't know. I did so much to her and as much as I may want to try and make up for everything... I just might not be able to. I would love the chance to try, though. I can only hope and pray that Buffy and I can get through this and find out way back to one another."

Another sympathetic look his way. "Buffy has been through a lot. Seen you at your worst."

He nodded.

"Even after she was out of the picture."

Now he really looked pained. His eyes shifted to the floor. "Unless she's been living under a rock, I suppose she must know of a lot of things I've done or that I've said... things I'm in no way proud of."

"The women?"

He swallowed. "Yeah. Most of all that portion of it all."

OoOoO

Once the interview had finished, Angel was never more glad to get away from a chair, a room before. Even though he knew this was going to be a topic today, it still stung to hurt to talk about it all. And he also knew this was hardly the last time he was going to be doing such. It was safe to say most, if not all, interviews he was bound to give would have some section dedicated to his abuse and also towards Buffy and his relationship.

It also took everything out of him not to sit there, stare at the camera and go back into just begging her to hear him somehow, one way or another... somewhere, just begging her to come home, to come back to him. To tell her, even if it involved the rest of the world in it as well, how sorry he was and put it all out there. But he knew now that it wasn't the best way to go about it. He might drop something in here and there and did have ideas for a big way to try once, but it was all walking on the right side of the line with this.

Besides, he knew if he started... he'd really fall apart.

OoOoO

The band was breaking records with the new single, still out promoting it in various ways, giving interviews at radio stations, with magazines they did covers and specials for, went to a few more televised ones as well. In the midst of it all the even managed to squeeze out a music video for the single.

Members of the band would go to events, together or individually. They'd even gone to an awards show... where they went home with a few trophies for their past release. Angel had gone, but hadn't spoken at them really. He said a quick "thank you" and hurried off each time. Hell, at the first win he wouldn't even get up.

Dingos were back doing some bonus and secret shows in the area so he was glad he could hang out with them. At each show the groups mingled, be it coming on stage to start a water balloon fight, Spike or Gunn switching out with their members to help play a song, and one night Angel even hopped on stage, grabbed a mic, and he and Devon did a duet of a few random songs thrown together into a medley.

It was nice to be with friends, being carefree here and there. It was also nice to be back up on a stage, with fans, with his band and his brother band as well.

Yet... when it came to being asked out of the blue to perform at an upcoming awards show, Angel couldn't help but feel more than a little panicked. He hadn't truly performed in quite awhile at this point and they'd never done the new single live yet. Not to mention he'd made quite the fool of himself the last time he was on that stage.

OoOoO

When I Think About What Might've Been  
I Can See We're Not Living It

Angel finally agreed, just in time. He remained as nervous over the idea of it as ever, but decided he would chance it. Chance a lot with the performance actually.

Even though he had been home for a couple of months, Angel had stayed away from going into his, their, bedroom at the house. He wouldn't even go to that floor for the longest of times. The house alone was painful enough, but up there... that was a whole new level of pain for him.

Finally, he forced himself too though.

And it killed him. He let his eyes glance at everything along the way, his fingertips dancing across a few random items on the hallway table or against the bottom of picture frames holding some artwork the two had picked out to hang in there. Then onto the room... about knocked him over. He had to sit down against the wall at first, it was so overwhelming.

The room smelled like her. It was covered in her. He'd helped decorate some of the house, some items in the bedroom included, but it was still all her. Her things filled the room, her scent, her clothes, her collectibles, her books, her furniture. The large room housed so many memories of them. Moving in, breaking the bed in, having changed the bedroom suite set three times before they found one they liked, of celebrating random things in here, breakfasts in bed, bringing flowers in, making love, laying in bed mumbling tired conversations, everything. Everywhere he looked, again it was always something.

When he found feeling in his knees and legs again, he stood, walked around taking a closer look at things, thinking, remembering. It was exactly how she'd left it, from how the room was set up to the mess she made when packing.

He debated leaving it just as it was, but after a long while, began to clean up a little, put some things back where they belonged, ect.

He couldn't get himself to stay the night in there just yet, but he found something else he could do. Needed to do.

OoOoO

"You sure on this? You know we don't have to," Gunn said, looking at those in the room a bit nervously.

Angel sighed. "I know. But I want to. And I think I need to."

"Why do I have a feeling there's more to this than you're letting on?" Spike questioned with a tilted head and smirk on his face.

Angel gave a quick laugh. "Maybe because there is."

"Of course," Spike rolled his eyes, amused.

Angel shot him a smile then let his face get back to being a tad more serious. "There's something I need to do with it..." he began.

OoOoO

I Didn't Wanna Be The One To Tell Ya  
Love Isn't Always What It Seems  
I Think You Know What I Mean  
I Didn't Wanna Be The One To Tell Ya  
Didn't Wanna See You Cry  
I Think We Both Know Why

It had been months, her heart was all but broken, Angel seemed to be doing better than ever... but Buffy still had something holding her back. She'd pick up the phone to call him or to call someone but couldn't go through with it in the end. She wrote letters she couldn't send. She wanted to go back, but just couldn't take the step to doing it.

Yes, she was still afraid he might fall back into his old self and hurt her all over again. Yes, she was afraid that despite having publicly said it time and time again, she still feared he no longer felt the same toward her as he used to. Afraid he was better off without her.

She wasn't around, he finally got clean. She wasn't around, he seemed better than ever.

She was happy for it of course, but it also had that small worry placed inside of her all the more, too.

It was hard to even explain all the thoughts and feelings floating inside of her, hard to truly identify what was holding her here. But something was. She just hoped it would pass soon or that something would give.


	10. Chapter Ten

"Do we have to watch this?"

"Yes!" Buffy and Faith both answered in union.

Graham rolled his eyes.

"Well, actually," Faith began with a smirk, "you can watch whatever you so desire... at your own place, you know."

He made a face. "And miss your wonderful company?" he drawled.

Faith gave a twisted face his direction and then laughed.

Buffy barely paid any real mind to the two, caught up in her own thoughts. She had a feeling that she couldn't shake... though couldn't put a finger on what it was either. It just felt like something was going to happen. Good or bad.

The show was about over, Angelus was the last performance of the night and about to take stage. It was rumored they were doing a mesh of two songs, one unreleased and their latest single. The band had won five more awards so far through the night. For the first time, Angel had spoken out a bit more at each trip up to the stage. It was a world of difference from the last time he'd graced this particular stage.

OoOoO

"Where's Angel?" Gunn asked.

"Throwing up again."

Gunn made a face. "You sure this was a good idea?"

Spike smirked. "Nope."

That didn't make Charles feel any better.

OoOoO

Going on stage, performing, being the center of attention was second nature to Angel his entire life. As far back as he could remember he always wanted everyone paying attention to him. As they gained more and more popularity, it suited him just fine. He was always bouncing in the backstage area, ready to go on. So everything now seemed so unfamiliar for him. Being nervous about interviews, accepting awards, having stage fright.

Angel went out to take his place, trying to keep himself from getting sick.

OoOoO

The band was introduced, the crowd cheered loudly, the camera panned to the stage. Angel sat atop a grand black piano, microphone in hand. Rupert Giles sat below, fingering the notes out.

It was dark all around them... except for the spotlight shiningg down and a few dim lights to both sides. Then the biggest came from the huge screen behind them. On it, started a montage of personal photos of Buffy, Angel and them together as well as photos of their home, their life, shots of bits of letters and other items collected along their relationship that would play out through the first song.

Angel brought the microphone up to his lips as the time to begin came.

"My soul is hurting  
And I know, I cause my own disgrace  
My eyes are blurring  
And I strain to see beyond this place

And you know all too well that I don't know what to do  
And I know all too well that I'm nothing without you"

The rest of the band began to play, lights shinning on them on the other stage. A string of lights above Angel and Giles went on as well.

"Without you"

Along with the other clips, some others started making their appearance in there as well. Bits of headlines and photos from his worst of times.

"I'm full of remorse  
You don't even have to hurt my pride  
These words aren't forced  
I'm sewn open, I have nothing left to hide

And you knew all too well that this is how it would be  
And I knew all too well that it would all come back to me, yeah"

A few thrown in of him since those harder times, of being clean, headlines and reports of missing her. Bits of letters of the apology he could never get right.

"I lost your confidence  
When I felt my innocence  
It fill my heart with openness  
And you are my defense"

Played out as a clip from the night the first met played, taken from Devon's phone that night, Buffy on stage as he had sung Happy Birthday to her.

"Oh, you are my defense"

Suddenly, the song shifted, the first notes of their new single playing.

The crowd got louder. New lights flashed around, the screen behind the band began flashing images and clips of them through the years, in the studio, on stage. Pieces of the new video in there as well.

Angel smiled, jumping off of the piano with a nod towards Giles.

"It's not enough to be afraid of the mess I've made   
When the colors fade   
So pick me up before I hit the ground"

He started, walking across the stage.

"Its not enough to realize when you close your eyes   
And it's no surprise   
So shut me up before I make a sound"

Angel climbed up the steps that connect the two stages, but instead of heading towards the band, he went towards the small walkway cut out for some lucky crowd members all gathered around.

"I know you'll always be there when I come down   
And I even see your face when you're not around   
Yeah, I know you'll always be there when I come down   
Down, down, down, down"

Angel danced around some, smiling, living it up. He bent down to sing to to a group of girls.

"Sooner or later   
I think you're gonna find out   
That we should be together now

Sooner or later   
I know you're gonna find out   
It might as well be right now

Sooner or later   
Sooner or later"

Angel stepped down, taking the other flight of stairs that led down to the other part of the crowd, the other celebrities as they sat in the rows of seats.

"It's not enough to play the game   
Gotta take the blame   
For the mess I've made   
So pick me up before you bring me down"

He sang into the camera following him, the headed for where Dingos' wre located, jumping into an empty seat by Willow.

"It's not enough to compromise   
If you change your mind and you fall behind   
Shut me up before you shut me out

I know you'll always be there when I come down   
And I even see your face when you're not around   
Yeah, I know you'll always be there when I come down   
Down. down, down, down"

Again, Angel jumped into the isle, now walking back toward the stage his band were on.

"Sooner or later   
I think you're gonna find out   
That we should be together now

Sooner or later   
I know you're gonna find out   
It might as well be right now

Sooner or later   
Sooner or later"

Angel got to the middle and put his microphone into the stand.

"I think it's time you understand   
I'm just a man, that's all I am   
Before this situation's out of hand

I think you need to comprehend   
It's got to end, so let's pretend   
I always give you everything I can"

Angel stepped away for the moment, smiling as he looked back towards the band before coming back to his mark.

"It's not enough to say okay  
If the love you take is the heart you break   
Don't shut me off   
Don't throw it all away

Sooner or later   
I think you're gonna find out   
That we should be together now"

Angel took the mic back off and into his hand, putting it a bit to the side as he went to go interact with his bandmates.

"Sooner or later   
I know your'e gonna find out   
It might as well be right now

Sooner or later   
Sooner or later

Sooner or later   
You'll be mine   
You'll be

Sooner or later   
You'll be mine   
You'll be

Sooner or later   
You'll be mine   
You'll be mine

Sooner or later"

At the end, the camera panned again into the crowd for a few moments, then back to the first screen. You could hear Angel giving out a breathless "Thank you."

Suddenly, on the first large screen, the black was joined in white with the message

"Buffy,

I love you...

Always.

Please come home."


	11. Chapter Eleven

Buffy sat unmoving on the sofa, watching it all come about. Her hand was covering her mouth, body suddenly cold.

"Oh, God," she whispered, "I'm going to be sick." And with that, Buffy jumped up and bolted toward the bathroom.

"B," Faith called out then looked at Graham. She gave a weary smile. "I should go check on her. You know, she hasn't been feeling so hot these past few days," she lied. "If you want to go home home, that's cool."

Graham sat for a minute then shook his head and sat up. "Yeah, sure. Tell Beth I hope she gets to feeling better."

"Yep. Will do. See ya later!" Faith rushed out then went to go check on her friend.

OoOoO

Graham sighed, sitting down. He debated for a long time, as he had every day since stumbling onto this whole situation, and finally reached over to his phone.

The blonde let out a huge sigh as it began to ring.

There was no answer, he wasn't in the least bit surprised on that given everything going on. He waited for the voicemail greeting and beep.

He let out another sigh. "I know where Buffy is. And I'll tell you. But you better think long and hard on what you want to do with this information," he began.

OoOoO

Tonight had been the last time he'd cry out for her in such a manner. At least, that had been the thought behind it. He knew he may never get to see or speak to her again also, so maybe he didn't know what he wanted to really say, but at least he'd have a chance to put something out there.

He felt great on stage, for the most part, but off he felt light headed and overwhelmed, second guessing every thing he'd ever done in his life it almost felt like.

He grabbed a glass of water, then another, then went to go with the band back to the room and cool down, chill out.

OoOoO

It was hours later when they were getting ready to get out of there. Angel signed a few last autographs for those who'd had special passes and were making their rounds. He took a few last pictures then went to go gather his things.

Grabbing his phone, he noticed he had a few missed calls and messages. He began heading out, joking around with Spike aimlessly as they walked. He checked and answered texts first, then looked over his call log, then went to go listen to his messages on it.

 

Upon a certain one, he stopped, dropped his two bags to the ground and nearly tripped over some equipment in the hall.

"Bloody hell," Spike said, looking back at him. "When you were drunk off your ass you had an excuse!" he joked.

Angel put a hand on a speaker that was nearby. He could hardly stand or breathe. "I know where she is."

Spike stopped, grew a more serious expression. "You know... Buffy?"

He nodded. He got at least a huge chunk of the information he'd been desperately searching so long for. And now he had no idea what to do about it.

 

OoOoO

 

During his latest stint in rehab, Angel had convinced himself his reasonings for still wanting to know where Buffy was was just so he knew she truly was alright. And, well, just to know. He had convinced himself, and had every intention, from that point on to let Buffy be the one to decide on coming back on her own as much as possible, if she even did. That even if he did learn of where she was or had been, he would wait for her.

But now, information at hand, he found it was nearly impossible to stick with such plans.

OoOoO

Buffy couldn't seem to sleep at all. She'd had trouble since getting here but over the past few nights since "the big performance," it had gotten drastically worse again.

Buffy sighed, looking at the numbers on her alarm clock. Her eyes were so sore she wanted to cry. Instead, she sighed, rubbed them, and just laid there staring at the ceiling for a few moments.

Sitting up, Buffy grabbed her phone off the charger and returned to bed. She got under the covers and started toying with the device until she got where she wanted. Turning the volume down, Buffy began watching random clips online from older days, the bad times, her leaving, and beyond. She watched a few of their old videos and performances, then clicked on a side link that took to their latest.

Buffy watched it three times in a row, feeling her chest tightening. She looked over at her clock again. It was late.

It would be even later there.

OoOoO

Angel groaned, cursing the ringing noise waking him up. He tried to ignore it, putting a pillow over his head, but no luck. He sighed, turning over, squinting as he tried to locate the noise maker.

"Yeah?" he said, his voice tired, answering it.

He yawned, rubbed his eyes with his free hand. There was no response on the other end.

"Hello?" he tried again after a moment.

"Hi," finally came, her voice very soft.

That woke him right up. "Buffy?" he said breathlessly, not believing it.

She was silent for another pause. "I miss you," she whispered.

Angel closed his eyes, his free hand coming to place over his aching heart. "Baby," he breathed, "I miss you too. More than you can even imagine."

He heard sniffling from her end and it broke his heart. "Are you doing alright?" she asked him.

Angel swallowed. "Besides my hart living outside of my body... Yeah, I'm okay," he told her, still feeling like this wasn't even real. He had no idea what to do or say or how to process this. "I've been staying clean and sober, staying out of trouble."

"That's good," he heard her say. More sniffling. "I'm very happy and very proud of you."

"Come home," he blurted out. "Please?"

"Angel..."

"Please, Buf. Let me make this right."

"Angel, I..."

"I swear to you, Buffy. I will never hurt you like that again, it will not be like it was. I will do everything right by you, by us. I know I can't ever truly make what all I done to you right, but let me try here babe. I messed everything up, but that was then. I can still give us the future we deserve."

He heard her cries get louder though she did her best to cover them. She was silent for a long while and he was about to continue.

"What if I was the problem, Angel?" she asked him.

"What?"

She swallowed. "What if everything that happened was because of me?"

"Babe, you know that isn't true, not at all. I was messed up on everything long before I even met you."

"I know that," she said quietly. "But it didn't stop, and all it did once I was around was get worse."

"What if that was all because of me? What if I come back and I'm just the reason you go back to doing those things again?"

His chest hurt. "Buffy, babe, stop it. You were in no way..."

"I'm bad for you," she cried. "I ruined everything. I ruined your marriage with Cordelia, your career, your life. And now, here you are, finally doing just fine and how can I come back into the picture and mess everything up? I love you, Angel. I have and I know I always will and there's nothing more in this world that I want... but, but... I think it's time you found..."

He cut her off. "You know damn well there's no one else in this world for me. No one but you. You are not to blame for a single, goddamn thing Buffy."

"I shouldn't have called," she rushed out.

"Buffy, please. Listen to me. Talk to me."

"I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm sorry."

OoOoO

Angel paced the room. "She thinks she's the goddamn problem!"

Oz groaned into the phone on the other end. "What? Who?"

"Buffy!" he cried. "Buffy thinks everything that happened was her goddamn fault."

"Wanna fill in some blanks here?"

Angel sighed, sitting down. He began replaying the recent events to his friend. "What the fuck did I do to her?" he asked outloud. "You know, I've spent so much time thinking about her side of things, trying to imagine how she must have felt or what she thought, but fuck. My head never..."

Oz sighed as well. "Buf went through a lot with you."

"I put her through hell," Angel whispered.

"Yeah, you kind of did. Hate to say it."

OoOoO

 

Angel sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was tired as hell. And the long drive here did not help anything with that. His eyes went to his rearview mirror and sighed. He wasn't sure, but it seemed like at least one the vehicles had managed to follow him the whole way here. Many started and several made it far enough, but it seemed he'd lost most of them.

Angel looked over at the small grocery market he was told Buffy would more likely be at. He flexed his shaking hands a few times before talking himself into getting out. There was a light sprinkle falling down once he got out of the car. He looked around the parking lot again as he shut the door and locked it.

Then he began making his way to one of the side entrances to the building.

OoOoO

Buffy felt sick and wished she hadn't come in today. Not that anything else was going to make her feel any different.

Her mind was just all over the place.

Thankfully, things were going slow so far today so she didn't have to act like a functioning human being all that often.

OoOoO

"Oh, my God!" was squealed withing seconds. Angel turned his head, smiling at the middle aged woman who stood to the side awe-struck.

Others soon joined in with the noises, staring, ect. He did is best to politely ignore it all, smiling or nodding people's way as he scanned for a certain someone. He walked through the store, looking down aisles, gaining more attention it seemed by the second. And he started to panic, suddenly dawning on him for what if news got to her before he did and she took off again.

Angel increased his speed a bit, until he got close enough to the check out lanes on the other side of the store from where he'd come in. Until he spotted her.

He stopped dead in his tracks, feeling his heart pull.

He understood then why she'd been able to hide out so well. The changes to her appearance... Not that it would do any good on him. He'd know her anywhere. He could hardly see her from were he stood but all that took was a split second of a glance and he knew.

Swallowing, Angel forced himself forward, feeling nerves building up all the more. He cut across so now he was walking along the front ends of the lanes until he got to hers.

She was smiling, handing a woman back her change and telling her to have a great day as he got there. She greeted the next person in line then jumped as a young girl behind the man screamed.

"Oh, my God! Angel!"

Angel swiftly went from where he stood to coming around to where she did. Buffy began turning from looking at the small girl to him. It almost seemed like she was moving in slow motion, that everything was in that moment.

Buffy turned, her hands coming off of the carton of milk she'd been scanning. Her body slightly turned, her head doing the same. Her eyes had landed on his chest but slowly traveled up until she met his.

"Angel," she breathed out, shocked.

Angel took a step forward then grabbed her. He picked her up and turned and pushed her back into the makeshift wall thing behind her.

Her legs wrapped around him instinctively and he pushed deeper into her, fitting with her as perfect as ever. One arm held her up around her waist while the other slid along the side of her face, tangling up in her dark hair. He watched her for a moment before leaning his face in to hers, crashing his lips onto hers.

"Angel..." Buffy panted when they broke apart for a bigger air supply.

"Shut up," he whispered, coming in to kiss her again.

Angel felt her tremble. He shifted their bodies slightly so he could hold her weight better and free both his hands so they both could come up to cup her face as he continued reuniting their lips to one another. He felt the tear streaks as he did.

OoOoO

It seemed like entire world around them just faded away. The only thing he knew right now was Buffy.

It'd taken awhile but finally she had loosened in his arms and had fully responded to his body and actions. Her arms circled his neck, fingers running through his hair.

Wen they did finally come back down to Earth, in no rush, the couple found what seemed like the entire store gathered around staring at them. Some just stared, others had their phones out taking pictures or videos, others talking, ect. He sighed, burying his face in Buffy's shoulder for a moment.

"I love you," he whispered.

Buffy swallowed, her hands coming to play with his shirt. "I love you, too," she whispered back. "I'm so sorry for everything."

Angel shook his head, kissed her forehead. "Can we go somewhere?"

Buffy nodded and shyly looked around.

"B," Faith called over from the side, looking entirely amused. "I think your secret might be out."

OoOoO

Buffy led him through the small store until she got where she was heading. She asked him to wait outside as she went to go talk to her boss.

He hated letting her out of his sight, but he nodded. And during her short stay inside he found himself easily entertained with the crowd who had followed them all again. He smiled, answered some questions, signed a few things and took a lot of pictures.

"Congratulations. You're the biggest thing to ever hit this town."

Angel turned his head. It was the brunette who'd spoken to Buffy before. He was about to respond when she came back out of the office.

"Hey, Faith," Buffy said to her, coming closer. "I'm gonna probably head back to the apartment... unless that turns into a thing."

Faith smiled. "Cool. I'll see you guys later. Have fun!"

OoOoO

Buffy drove them in her car to the apartment complex. Neither spoke during the short ride.

A group had followed them but neither of them paid much mind to it.

"This is me," she said nervously once they got to the right door. Angel nodded. She put the key in and opened the door, gesturing him inside.

Angel looked around for a moment then took a seat on the sofa.

"You look good," she said softly. "Really good." A smile out of her.

Angel nodded and thanked her. "Feel better than I have in a long, long time."

She continued trying to busy herself in the kitchen as he watched her. He waited for it to happen and when it did he was up and over there in a split second.

Buffy fell to the floor in a big heap, crying her heart out at him. He held her, whispering words of love to her, rubbing her back.

"I'm so sorry."

"Buf, the only person here who needs to be sorry for anything is me."

"I left you. I just.."

He kissed her gently. "Baby," he whispered, "we both know you needed to. For me and for yourself. I get it. I didn't like it, but I get that all of this was needed, probably the only way to get things right by that point."

"Angel, I left because..."

He sighed, feeling his own tears threatening to fall. "I know, baby." He kissed her again.

"I just.. I couldn't anymore..."

He closed his eyes, put his forehead to hers. "You put up with me and all of my demons for longer than you ever should have or deserved to," he told her. "I hurt you, for a very long time." He sucked in a breath. "And then we lost the baby. Because of me." He felt his throat closing in. "So trust me, love. I get it."


	12. Chapter Twelve

There was a very small group of people who had been aware of Buffy's pregnancy. And no one had talked about it... since. Spike had tried to bring it up with Angel once but that was it. The press hadn't known, not even their closest friends. Buffy hadn't spoken of it to Faith and had never even told Willow or Oz. Angel never did either, with anyone. Not during his stupors, not during rehab.

So now, here, with each other... it all was there in their faces.

A lot was.

OoOoO

Angel couldn't take his eyes off of her. Couldn't wrap his mind around the fact she was finally back in front of him, in arms reach of him. His heart ached, as did his entire body.

The two now were located on the couch, Angel sat with Buffy's head in his lap, her body stretched out to the side. During this latest bout of silence between them, Angel stared down, stroking her hair. Buffy played with his other hand.

"I don't even know how to begin to apologize to you," he said softly, breaking another long bout of silence between them. "For any of it. I made a lot of bad choices, most I look back at now and can't even believe I did those things, but please believe me in that I never tried to hurt you with any of it. I never tried to hurt anyone."

Buffy swallowed, tilting her face to look at him.

"But trust me, Buf. Nothing, none of this was your fault. It was never about anything you did or didn't do. You..." he sighed, "You were perfect, in every way. I was just a mess. I should have gotten straight a long time ago, but the fact that I didn't isn't a reflection on you. It's not."

"A lot of things went wrong because of me."

 

Angel put a finger to her lips and shook his head. "You know that's not true. You saved me. Yes, I was still out of control... but you did."

"How did we get here?"

"I was stupid and didn't appreciate what I had with you like I should have. And trust me, I'm kicking the crap out of myself for being such an idiot. But I'm also trying to look forward, not live in the past. Make right, move on... with you. I don't deserve another chance, not with all of the things I've done. I don't deserve you. I know that," he told her. "The only thing you would ever be at fault for would be the fact you were too damn perfect."

"I was hardly perfect, Angel."

He shook his head. "Our situation might not have been, that's all." Angel sighed. "I want to make this right, more than anything in the world, Buffy."

"I don't know how, Angel."

"I don't either, babe. But I promise, I swear to you, I will do anything possible to get us back... no, to get us better than we ever were. I'm not going to go back to my old ways. Yes, there will be times it is tempting, I will admit that... but I'm not going to ever again. I will never hurt you or myself like that again. I want to be with you, for the rest of my life I do."

"Angel..."

"I've missed you so much, Buf. It's been like living with my heart outside of my body. All I could think about was you and how all I wanted was to be back with you, to do right, show you that I can and that I can give us the life we've always wanted. That everything we've gone through so far only made us stronger for it and that all of that is done with. It's the past and I can't change it, but it's just that... the past."

"What are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know, but I'm willing to figure it out."

OoOoO

"Okay, I tried to stay away to give you two some privacy... but c'mon, I also have my mind blown here" Faith said, looking at the two of them.

 

Angel smiled, wiped his hand and held it out to shake the other girls'. "Liam Angelus," he introduced himself.

"Oh, honey, I'm well aware of that," she said with a smile. "Faith Lehane."

He smiled back. "Nice to meet you."

"Very much likewise!"

"I hope you don't mind..." Buffy began.

Faith waved her off. "You know I don't. And hell, who's gonna pass up an opportunity for a rock star to hang out at their place?"

"It is getting late though, I should probably..."

"Oh, no you don't," Faith butted in. "A, you don't want to go out there just yet and B, Buffy has a very large bed that I'm sure you can both fit on just fine." Faith threw a wink at her pretend sister.

Angel watched Buffy stiffen. "I appreciate the offer but really..."

"If nothing else, I got a couch, as you can see."

"You're not much for letting things go, are ya?"

Faith smiled brightly. "Not so much."

OoOoO

Angel got the full story from the girls over a late meal, details he hadn't heard and probably wouldn't have had access to from Graham. And he also filled the two of them in on his life since it all went down as well.

Faith was yawning and passing out for a few seconds at a time but obviously didn't want to miss anything else. Finally, she said she had enough fighting Mister Sandman so went to go call it a night. Again, leaving the former couple alone.

Angel helped clean up, offering more than once to do it alone and let her go on to bed if she wanted. But she stayed. Once they finished, he looked around the room. "It's been a long day, stressful one I'm sure. You should go on to bed. I have no problem with sleeping out here."

Buffy stood there, silent.

"I can leave, too, if you want..."

Buffy looked up at him. "You slept with other girls."

This time it was Angel who stood speechless. He tried several times, but there weren't even any words to be said. He couldn't possibly make an excuse for it. Even if they were apart, he knew how low all that was, and how much it would hurt her. He watched her start crying, though was trying so hard to hold it in. "I did," he finally spoke. "And... you have no idea how much I hate myself for that, along with so much else that had happened. I don't have an excuse. All I can say is that I am truly sorry. I don't want anybody else. I never have, not since you came into my life. I just made a lot of bad choices."

Buffy turned and walked away. He knew she was hurting, more than likely in another crying fit, but he stood there powerless.

OoOoO

When Buffy returned, he was just on his way out.

"You're leaving?"

He turned around, saw her badly cleaned up face. "I wanted to see you," he whispered. "Needed to. I needed to talk to you, to see if you were okay. I needed... to touch you again. And those are things I'm always going to desire. You're the love of my life, Buffy Summers. And God, how all I want in this world is to be with you and make you happy, make a life with you. I want... I want to work through all we've had to face, I want you to come back home, I want you to be with me. I want to go to bed with you next to me and wake up that way every morning, I want to marry you, make you my wife. I want kids with you. I want you. By my side, every day. I want you to be happy with me, I want to make you happy, give you everything in this world." Angel wiped his own tear trails away. "But... I ignored it so many times before, but here I am, and I can see everything in your eyes, in your face. All the hurt, everything I did to you. I don't deserve you. But you know what, in the complete opposite way, Buf, you don't deserve me and all my bullshit. I'd do anything to make this right but if I can't... I just... I can't let you down anymore."

"Angel..."

"I'm both sorry and so very not for coming here. I am for messing up this life you had going here. It was selfish, for the general part. Maybe not fully, but that doesn't mean it was exactly right to just do this. If you need... I'll get you a way out or whatever else in this world you need. I always will. And I'll leave you alone. Though it's going to kill me."

Buffy was crying again. He started toward her but then whispered another apology and turned to head out their front door.

"Do you remember our first night together?"

Angel paused.

"The first night we spent together?"

Angel swallowed, still not turning around. "The first full night we spent together..." he sighed, leaning against the door. "I'd convinced you to finally come wit us out of state. We left early in the day and there was a lot of bad weather along the way so we were running behind. We didn't even make it halfway there before it got so bad. Willy, our driver that year, had the grand idea to all go to his aunt's cousins and crash. Like idiots, we went. The house was so small that everyone wasn't going to fit in it, but she had a large basement. The boys had no problem with that, in fact made it an adventure. Since it was his family, Willy stayed in one bedroom and we all offered up you stay in the other." Angel paused. "I slept on the floor next to the bed. I didn't want to leave you alone. More so, I didn't want to be away from you."

"Do you think..." she began nervously, "maybe we could start over? At least somewhat?"

Angel turned around. "What are you saying here, Buf?"

She swallowed. "Will you spend a new first night with me?"

Angel tried not to smile. "You got room on the floor?"

Buffy tried not to as well. "I think you can make do."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "I'm sure. I don't want you to leave."

OoOoO

Buffy went to sleep with Angel on the floor beside her, holding her hand.

She woke up during the night and crawled down there beside him, cuddling close to him. Just as she had years ago.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."


	13. Chapter Thirteen

"Tell me this is a good idea again," Buffy said, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She began tossing away her tinted contacts, hair coloring tools, and other items from the bathroom she figured she wouldn't be needing any more.

Faith stuck her head out from the shower and looked at her friend for a minute. "Buffy, nobody think you should just go back to where you left off with things or anything like that. But, you owe it to yourself to at least figure things out with your past. If nothing else, get closure, see if things truly would be different, see if that is still what you want. You'd regret it and wonder all the 'what if's' down the road if you don't go."

Buffy sighed, nodding. Faith was right. Had been right the last two times before this she'd given her similar speeches and answers. Buffy also knew it to be true all on her own, it just was a scary thought in many ways.

"Thanks," she said. "You're right."

"Of course I am!" Faith said, laughing.

"Are you still sure you want to come with us?"

Faith nodded her wet head. "For a little while. Gotta make sure my girl is taken care of," she winked. "Besides, I don't want to deal with all these damn people and their questions just yet!"

Buffy nodded. She went back to staring at her reflection for what felt like forever before fixing her still-dark hair, putting on some make-up and finishing getting ready for what was destined to be a crazy day.

The string of many, no question.

OoOoO

"Buffy," Angel said softly, feeling nervous. "Are you sure about this? I don't want you going back because you feel pressured to or anything like that."

She stopped what she was doing to come over to him. "I don't feel that way at all. Quite the opposite," she gave a soft smile. "I just needed a push, but this is what I was wanting. Is what I want." Buffy paused. "I... I can't make any promises about..."

Angel swallowed. "I know. I understand. I'm just... grateful you're even considering..."

She smiled again then turned to look around. "It shouldn't take too long to pack all the things I'm bringing back."

"Take all the time you need. And I'll help with whatever."

OoOoO

Everything around her seemed fuzzy as Buffy packed her things up from each of the rooms. Anything she didn't need she either tossed or left, telling Faith she was free to it. A lot of that included some bigger items such as furniture.

Finally they were set... Buffy having got all her things together, Faith having packed a few bags for her trip along with them for a bit, and Angel braved carrying them down to his car and putting them away.

Angel excused himself when the girls started having a "moment" as Buffy went about saying goodbye to the space that had been her home for so long now. He walked down the hall until he found the door he was looking for a knocked.

Graham opened it a few moments later and looked over the broad man's shoulder. "Hey, Angel," he greeted.

"Graham," Angel nodded.

The blonde sighed. "I know I should have told you sooner..."

Angel shook his head. "We already had that discussion. I get it. I'm glad you told me when you did though."

"So... is everything okay?"

"I honestly don't know yet. Buffy's coming back to LA though."

"That's great!"

"This Faith girl is coming along too."

The other man's face dropped for a flash. "Oh."

Angel's eyes squinted. "For a visit." He watched the other man for a few seconds. "They don't know it was you. That it had anything to do with you do they?"

"I figured you'd have told them."

"Never came up."

"Oh."

Angel opened his mouth to say something then shut it. He was about to try again with the girls showed up.

"I see you've met Angel," Faith said, smiling. "I guess you understand why we were kind of obsessive over him now, huh?"

Graham rubbed the back of his head. "Makes sense..."

"I'll tell ya all about it when I get back. I'm going back to California for a bit."

"So I heard."

"Think you'll live without me?" she teased.

"I think I'll manage," he drawled, rolling his eyes.

OoOoO

Faith jumped in the backseat, a little overwhelmed but finding it hilarious with all the attention. Angel climbed in the driver's seat as Buffy got in on the other side. He had expected her to ride in the back with Faith honestly.

Not that he was complaining.

Buffy fiddled with his radio, as she always had, as he began pulling out. Almost causing him to wreck the vehicle with the distraction. He did his best to brush it off though and began the long journey home.

OoOoO

Along the way there were questions, phone calls, singing, silence, sleeping, games, stories, drive thru's and rest stops. Angel was mostly silent, listening to the girls, taking it all in. At least trying to.

Angel drove through LA until reaching their home. He was surprised back at the apartment when she'd said she was wanting to come back here. He figured this was the last place she'd want to be, but he wasn't going to question it.

"That is nuts!" Faith commented as they got closer, the massive hoard of people coming into view.

He slowed, careful not to hit anyone as he got closer and went through the steps to get them inside and keep everyone else on that side of the gates. Then driving up the long pathway until parking in front of his large garage. He shut off the engine with a sigh.

Angel took the keys from the ignition and turned his head toward the former blonde. She had nerves radiating off of her as she stared out her window at the house.

He gave it a few minutes before telling her he'd get their things inside.

"Huh?" she said, a bit startled. "Right. Thanks."

Angel got out of the car, opened Faith's then went around to the trunk and began grabbing stuff up and taking it inside.

It was about the fourth trip in and out when Buffy finally came inside, Faith in tow.

"Holy shit," Faith breathed, looking around.

He soon finished with the bags and boxes and such and then closed the front door behind him, putting his hands in his pockets.

Faith looked from one of them to the other then announced she had to pee again. Buffy pointed her in the right direction.

"All your stuff's here, well all the stuff that was here is still here," he finally spoke.

Buffy swallowed and nodded.

"I think someone of the codes were changed but the list is over there," he pointed in its general direction. "I don't know if you still have your keys..."

"I do," she cut in.

"Oh. Okay. Well... I... I will hang out here as long as you want me to tonight, if you even do... Um, I'll probably be at the beach house for right now..."

 

She turned to look at him. "You're not going to stay here?"

"I.. Buf, I don't know what we're doing here."

In the not so distance, Faith was heard trying to find her way back. Buffy walked over, reaching for his hand. "Stay."

OoOoO

Faith was given a tour of the house as Angel started making them a meal and making a few phone calls in the process. He knew a lot of people were anxious to see his ex and were blowing up his phone about it but she asked for a day or two, or tonight at the very least, to just be them so he passed that along. There were a lot of questions being shot out one after another at him, most he had no idea on how to answer.

As the night wore on, Faith finally called in a night, heading to the guest room she would be staying in. Buffy went with her, helping her get settled in and talking about everything for a long while.

When she came out, she was nervous, unsure of how this was all going to work. Of what to do.

She walked around the house some, looking it over, then found her way back to Angel. He smiled upon seeing her and hurried off of his latest phone call. "Sorry."

"I'm sure there's a lot going on, it's okay."

"Willow checking in again."

"Do you think she's mad?"

Angel shook his head, picking up his glass and finishing the last of his soda. "No, I think she's curious and excited, that's all. She understands underneath it all," he told her. He smiled again then went to go put his glass in the sink.

Buffy swallowed. "It's been a long day. I think I'm going to go on to bed too."

Angel nodded. "Alright. If you need anything just let me know."

"Are... are you going to come up too?"

Angel took a moment. "I think I need to earn that back," he told her softly. "So for right now, I'll be down here."

Buffy was torn on his answer, but the relief won over just by a tad. She walked over to him and rested her head on his chest. His arm came up to hold her tighter.

 

"Goodnight," he whispered. "I'm glad you're home."

"I'm glad too."

She started to pull away and wish him goodnight but he grabbed her again, pulling her close once again. She felt her heart race. Angel bent his head slightly, enough to be back to lock his lips to hers. Buffy moaned, her arms coming up to wrap around his neck.

Angel broke into a smile. "I'll see you in the morning," he told her.

OoOoO

Buffy didn't seem to have an interest in finding out what the world was saying about her and this development in the Buffy/Angel saga, but Faith sure did. She asked the pair about using one of their computers and couldn't help but look for some gossip.

And boy, was it not hard to find at all.

Apparently, the internet had exploded.

She wondered how crazed it truly was outside this little protective shield. She guessed they'd know soon enough.

OoOoO

_This Time, The Pieces Are Smaller_   
_And It Seems There's No Way Out_   
_So We Try To Try A Little Harder_

Angel sat back, watching Buffy get more and more animated as she and Willow caught up with one another. It'd been two days since they'd come and finally had some of their closest friends over. Angel was surprised the redhead hadn't broken in beforehand in some ways.

Oz sat next to him, watching him. He'd gone back and forth on that since arriving.

"You alright?"

Angel turned his head slowly. "In general, yeah. Just... I don't know what the hell to do now. Take it day by day I guess."

"You two getting along?"

Angel nodded. "In a weird way. It feels surreal though. All of this does."

OoOoO

Less obvious, Buffy was watching him as well. She found herself doing that a lot.

There were just so many things different yet the same about him now.

He'd mostly stayed at the house with the girls, who hadn't dared leave just yet, but he'd had a work meeting and a NA meeting he'd gone to. He remained his distance a lot she'd long since noted, but then... when he didn't, it was like the two of them were the only things in the world and he couldn't seem to part from her. But he always would. She noticed he was a lot quieter, more reserved. Not that he'd been over the top before, unless he was really strung out. But there was just... "more."

They had kissed several times, held hands during a movie once, but nothing really beyond that. They talked... mostly him, about how sorry he was and all the things that had gone wrong on to how rehab was for him then onto plans with the future with the band and everything. He never pushed about where they were or what was going to happen between them. It was danced upon but that was about it on that front.

It was nice. Yet... all of it a little unnerving too.

OoOoO

Hours later, the guests had gone... a few rather unwillingly. The girls were up gossiping and watching something on tv when he began to excuse himself for the night. He kissed Buffy's head in passing and headed to go take a shower first.

When he finished and went back to his current bedroom, Buffy was there, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hi," he greeted.

She looked up and smiled. "Sorry to barge in on you."

He shook his head, "Not at all."

"I was just thinking... Um, tomorrow I might go out with Faith for awhile. Do a little shopping, grab a bite to eat, things like that."

"Sounds like fun. Be careful though, a lot of people are going to be around. Do you want me to call you a driver and Hamilton to watch over you guys?"

She thought for a moment before agreeing. "Better safe than sorry right?"

He nodded.

"I... I was wondering if you might want to join us for lunch?"

He took a moment. "If it's a little bit late then I can probably make it."

"Oh, right, you guys are performing on one of those morning shows."

"I should be out of there in time, then I have to go with Spike to help him pick out a present for Darla."

"Those two are pretty serious it looks like."

"I guess. He tries to play it off though."

"Of course, he's the one who's always sworn to never settled down."

"A lot changed."

She looked down. "I see that."

"You okay?" he asked after a moment of looking at her.

"Yeah. I'm just tired. Should head to be, this has been an exciting day." Buffy started to leave but then turned around. "Are you regretting this?"

 

"What? No. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know," she answered softly, again looking down. "You just seem... standoffish at times."

He sighed and went to her, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm not trying to be, Buf. I'm just scared."

OoOoO

Angel was all smiles the next day as he joined up with the girls. And Marcus.

"How's your morning been ladies?"

"Insane!" Faith jumped in. "How the hell do you people live like this?"

Angel laughed. "You get used to it."

She looked over to the group snapping photos and shouting at at them. "Yeah..."

OoOoO

Two weeks later, things had fallen into a bit of a pattern with everyone. And of course by the time it seemed to be a bit settled, it had to change.

Faith had told them a few days before that she was planning to go home and now here they were, packing her up, preparing to take her to the airport and send her on her way.

Buffy sat on the bed the brunette had been using, watching her gather up some of things. "I'm going to miss you, you know."

Faith waved a hand at her. "You'll be fine. I think it'll do you and the both of you some good. Besides, this isn't a goodbye. This won't be the last you've heard of me!" She smiled brightly.

"I know. It's just..."

"I know. We've gone through a lot. But it is tie we got back to our own lives. Yet stay in each other's."

Buffy smiled. "There is one thing I'll ask you to do before taking off."

OoOoO

Angel went to Faith's room but the girls ween't there. Her things seemed to be all packed up though. He went to grab something quick to eat then checked again.

No sign.

Next he headed up to Buffy's room. The door was open so he stuck his head in. "Hey," he greeted to the dark haired girl he'd come to know. "You about ready?"

Faith smiled. "Yep. I believe so."

A few seconds later Buffy appeared. He felt like he was about to lose his balance. Her hair was back to the honey blonde she was accustom to.

The two stared at each other for the longest time.

"You like?" she finally asked.

"You... look beautiful."

Back to staring.

Faith rolled her eyes. "Alright love birds, I have a plane to catch here."

OoOoO

Angel hugged Faith and wished her well, telling her to call or come back anytime. He then stood back to let the girls say some more goodbyes between themselves.

When it was just he and Buffy again he felt nervous. But he did his best to keep that under wraps as they began home.

When they returned he asked if she wanted to go out that evening for dinner. She asked if he meant as in an actual date, to which he responded with a yes. Then she did as well.

It was the first official time for this between them in over a year. He hoped it'd go smoothly.

OoOoO

 

Buffy knew it was pretty ridiculous, but she was overly excited for tonight. She would be on their first ral date in ages, they were now alone at the house, he was taking her to one of their favorites, and well, she was getting to dress up. She hated to admit it, but she had missed that part of what became her lifestyle.

As she began getting dressed though the worries hit her.

What if she looked too different now in them? What if they no longer had anything in common? What if...

She tried pushing everything out of her mind and finished. When she came downstairs he was also in a nice casual but formal wear outfit. She smiled and blushed a bit as he looked her over, making at least some of her fears run for the hills.

OoOoO

The night went on without a hitch. Buffy felt like a princess.

Angel had gotten them a private balcony which had been lit beautifully. He ordered for them a delicious meal, including desert she knew she might be regretting later. The two of them both seemed quiet and nervous at first but soon it eased up and began to feel like old times. They ended up laughing so hard they almost couldn't breathe a few times over a few shared stories.

It was nice.

When they returned home, he walked her up to her room, kissed her goodnight. His fingertips danced down the side of her beck and slightly onto her chest. She wondered if he'd go beyond that, but in the end he didn't. He snatched his hand back to his body, thanked her for tonight, then turned to go back to the main floor.

OoOoO

The two continued. They grew closer with their day to days, while maintaining their own lives a bit. They also went out several times, high class to just grabbing a yogurt and walking around.

She found herself a little dissapointed as time went on and he didn't ask her to accompany him to a few events he'd gone to. Not for the events themselves but trying to see what in the world was going on between the two of them.

When she finally brought it up he replied with he didn't know what was going on with them in private let alone in the public eye so wasn't trying to rush the gun.

She thought about it for a moment then took a deep breath. "Well, maybe we should decide on what we are."

He seemed to be caught off guard with that.

"I'm just... tired of not knowing. I know there's still so much to work through with us, but it'd be a lot easier to do so if there weren't so much to figure out. At least some things out of the way is a start, right?"

"Buf, what are you saying?"

"I want to be with you, Angel. Really be with you. I want to go do anything and everything with you again, be by your side." She took a pause. "I want you back upstairs with me, next to me."

OoOoO

That night, Buffy fell asleep in his arms. Nothing else had happened but she wasn't sure she'd have been ready for that just yet anyhow.

And slowly, little by little, her life started feeling normal again.

The two of them were happy, seemingly always together. They went to award shows, premiers, events. They dined, partied, vacationed. The boys started doing some secret shows and she started back to a few interviews and getting involved with different projects.

Life seemed really good now.

For the longest time Buffy kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never did. Angel was keeping to his word on everything and they were only getting better.

It was hard to believe they were such a mess for so long. Yet seemed to pull pulling through in the end.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Eight months down the line, Angel had asked Buffy to marry him.

He'd had a whole big plan. There'd be a night out, a quiet, romantic dinner. Then, coming home to the works... candles, flowers... Though, that morning came and he didn't even make it out of bed before pulling out the ring from a side table and popping the big question.

Neither regretted it though. Buffy had loved the urgency to it, the more intimate feeling to it this way. And they still had the evening, though more as a celebration amongst themselves.

She couldn't have thought it any more perfect.

OoOoO

From there, it was roughly another eight months of planning for the big event.

Those in the entertainment business loved it, as did anyone else paying any sort of attention. The couple had heard more support for their relationship, despite the long battle of everything facing them, than anything negative. And they were still the golden couple, by far.

It seemed any small detail that leaked out, the world went nuts for. What color the napkins at the reception would be would make headlines.

Buffy did most of the planning herself, a clear idea in her head for what she wanted. With input from Angel as well.

OoOoO

For Angel, he spent a lot of that time with work... without being overwhelmed. He and the boys had been spending a lot of time in the studio to work on a new album, while doing a very small tour in a few select cities across the country.

As far as his demons went, they were still there and he didn't deny they always would be. But the fact was, he defeated them every single day. He couldn't say there hadn't been times where he hadn't thought about doing something, though never anything "bad," Just thinking about a glass of wine to celebrate something, o a beer after a long day. But he never did any of it, not once since this past stint in rehab had he touched a drop of alcohol or anything harder than that.

 

He was home as much as possible, or having her there with him when he was away, too. That hadn't changed. He hated being away from one another, even if for a night. He figured they'd had enough of that for a lifetime.

It would happen, but both of them avoided it whenever possible.

OoOoO

The wedding itself was held on a beautiful, sunshiny day. It was a decent size crowd with their friends, family, and those closest to them both. Not to mention the insane one held off at the gates.

One of the more surprising guests had been Cordelia.

They'd wanted it held outside but tried to get as much privacy as they could. The two helicopters above them hadn't made that as easy as they hoped. That was a surprise they hadn't counted on.

But it didn't phase them on their day.

OoOoO

The couple stood under a giant four post set up, giant covers in a mix of light and dark purples curtained around them. Not to mention the beautiful array of white candles.

Buffy's dress was everything she wanted it to be. Elegant, not over the top.

The dress was a mix of white and ivory-silverish gray. It was designed to be strapless but Buffy had added on some small lace straps to it, with designs on them. They broadened just a bit over her shoulders but otherwise were thin coming and going from the top of the gown. From her breasts to high thigh, the dress was a beautiful white with beaded detail on it. The skirt part of the dress wrapped around her around the end of the top portion then waved down. It had a small diamond clip in the side. The bottom was an ivory white that bordered on an almost silvery gray color all the same. The train wasn't long and she did not wear a veil.

Her hair was up and curled, small white beads randomly in her hair that matched the detail on her dress. The only jewelry she wore were a pearl bracelet on one hand that had two layers and a pure silver cuff on the other that Angel had given her years before. On it, it had "Always" engraved.

Her flowers were roses, white mostly with a few lavender and plum ones in there too, a few green leaves sticking out for good measure.

Faith and Willow were each dressed in strapless plum colored dresses. Each carrying their own handful of flowers, close to Buffy's, without the white.

The ceremony was beautiful. They each gave speeches for their vows, both getting choked up during them. Spike had read a poem. He jokingly started to sign but then laughed, waving his hand around before returning the mic to its rightful place, and him to his own as well.

OoOoO

The reception was held indoors. It was decorated with white and purple tables, silver balloons, clear bowls on the tables with ornaments inside to go with the color scheme, purple and white candles in glass holders sprinkled about. The floor was covered in white rose petals, the walls had giant to small circular paper lanterns in white handing down.

The five tier cake sat on a table surrounded with a few pictures of the couple in frames. There were two vases of flowers, one on either side. There was confetti sprinkled about the table... words of "Always," "Forever," "I Love You" in cut outs.

The cake cutting part of the reception was one of the highlights of the evening.

One one side of the ballroom, they had the food set up, which included a beautiful candy buffet. They served a giant meal but the cupcakes and candy seemed to get far more attention. On the other side, they had tables full of favors for everyone. These ranged from candle lamps to heart shaped cookie cutters, noisemakers to bubbles to sparklers, small jewelry boxes to soap sets in x's and o's.

Every member of Angelus and Dingos gave them a speech. Spike's again was the most entertaining. Faith and Willow had given their own as well. And Angel madee another one, too.

They laughed, they danced. Angel took to the stage even there, singing Buffy a love song he'd written for the special day.

They hugged, they kissed, they thanked everyone who had come. They opened presents, took photos.

Everything turned out beautifully, magical.

From there, they headed to Italy for their Honeymoon. There they hardly left the bed, let alone the hotel itself.

OoOoO

Married life had been good, now six months in.

And as Buffy impatiently waited, tapping her fingers against the granite bathroom sink, she wondered if it was about to become a whole lot better.

Fifty more times of checking the clock, it was finally time to check.

Buffy straightened her back and took a deep breath then walked over to the large bathtub. She sat down on the ledge, picking up the pregnancy test...

OoOoO

 

Angel was beginning to worry about his bride. He'd been gone for way longer than he wanted to be to take care of some things in New York. She just sounded off when they would talk on the phone. He thought she seemed eager to tell him something more than anything being wrong, but it was still irking him.

So when they finally touched back down in California, he was racing home to find out what was up.

OoOoO

"Buf, is everything okay?" Angel asked as she led him to sit down on their bed. He could feel his nerves popping. He looked at her face but still couldn't get a hint from it.

"Everything is fine, Angel," she said, smiling. She patted his hand as she took a seat next to him.

She began to go into a spill about how much she loved him, how happy he had made her. All of it was exactly what a man would want to hear, but for whatever reason, Angel felt a bubble of panic. "Buffy," he cut her off. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I love you. Please, baby, don't leave me."

Buffy burst out laughing then looked at his face and laughed even harder. She wrapped her arms around him, shaking her head against his neck. "Don't be silly. Where in the world did that come from?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I just kept waiting and feeling like there is a 'but' coming."

She kissed his neck. "That may be because there is one."

Again, panic rising. "Buffy..."

She leaned back, held a finger to his lips and raised an eyebrow as he tried to continue mumbling. "I have loved every second of this marriage, just being you and me, us against the world. But," she tilted her head forward for a second, "I have to tell you, those days are coming to an end."

"Buffy..."

She smiled. "It seems it won't be just you and me anymore."

It took him a few seconds to go from one end of the spectrum to the other. "What?"

She smiled again, biting her bottom lip gently. "I know I should have told you sooner. And I should have waited until you were back... but..." Buffy leaned far over to the side and grabbed a white envelope off of a table. She carefully opened it then reached inside and handed it to him.

 

Angel continued his look of confusion at her for a moment before looking down to what she had placed in his hands. His eyes widen at the sight. An ultrasound scanned photo. His heart fluttered and his eyes shot back up to his wife. "You... we..."

She nodded. "About nine weeks along he said. I had a feeling earlier but I didn't want to jinx it. Then I finally took a home test and set up the appointment..."

Angel dropped his head and returned to looking at the photo.

"There's a few more, too. And a video."

Angel swallowed, tears stinging his eyes threatening to spill over. It seemed he was getting yet another second chance. And could not be happier.


End file.
